Never in my life have I stood for irony...
I'm disabled.

I dropped acid for the first time last week.
It wouldn't have been so bad had it not been on my lab partner's foot, and had I not been so high on mushrooms.

I went to the best ever burger van today.
It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.

No handbrakes. Thats how i roll

The wife tends to have her bath with only a couple of inches or so of water in.
Tried it myself last night.
It didn't float my boat.

I was dismayed to find out how much the giant wedding cake my fiancee wanted would cost.
I shed a tier.

I knew she liked Bukkake - I could see it in her eyes.

When my wife died I hired twenty epileptic dancers and a strobe light for the funeral.
It was a fitting tribute.

I mistook the driving range for the shooting range today.
The golfers went mental, but I still managed to get a hole in one.

I went to a charity ball in aid of women who have suffered from breast cancer.
The punch was fabulous but in keeping with the event it was limited to one jug per person.

I just bought a muslim cow with a drinking problem.
His name is Moo Hammered.

I'm dating a lady called Sue, however, every woman I've ever dated has ended up killing themselves...
Sue aside.

A man was walking down a street when he came upon a beautiful woman.
He got 3-5 years.

I think it was totally unfair what they did to rosa parks on that bus.
She did call shotgun.

I just had a Turkey and Chile sandwich, and to be honest, I haited it,
they're also hard to eat when the plate keeps shifting!

I'm getting absolutely fed up by all these sick birds being brought over to England to be cured cheaply by our expert vets.
It's high time the government did something to clamp down on these ill eagle immigrants.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequila.

I can't take it anymore.
The local shop has installed CCTV.

I was given life in prison today.
That sure cheered me up, I love David Attenborough.

I've just opened a charity shop to raise money for victims of domestic violence.
It's called the Pound shop.

Un homme entre dans une bibliothque et demande un livre sur le suicide.
Le bibliothcaire dit: "Va te faire foutre, vous ne pourrez pas le ramener."
My French is a joke

I've just lost my thesaurus today.
I feel very sad.

'What do we want?'
'COMPROMISE'
'When do we want it?'
'What time is good for you?'

I was playing football in the park with some mates and this disabled kid came over and said "I wish I could join in". So we let him play in goal.
I say 'in goal', we used him and his wheelchair as goalposts.

My missus has nicknamed me "met office". Every night she goes to bed expecting a few inches, but wakes up dissapointed in the morning