My wife had her driving test the other day. She got 8 out of 10.
The other two guys jumped clear.

It used to get so heavy carrying matches around.
I was over the moon when they invented a lighter option.

Sky News: STD rates in the USA are the highest in the Western World.
That's because they have all bought Norton Anti-Virus and believed they were covered.

I was shocked when I found out that my new girlfriend is a hooker.
She looks like more of a scrum half.

Due to inflation, balloons are going up.

I'd like to introduce ice hockey to the Chinese
if I can establish a rink with them.

I was telling my mate last night that I do a great impersonation of Imran Khan's ex-wife.
He said, "Jemima?
I said "No, I just do her voice."

Thieves broke into the Bradford police headquarters car park in the early hours of this morning and stole the sat-nav units from all the squad cars.
Officers are searching for Leeds.

When I was younger one of my teeth fell out while my Auntie Anne was babysitting for me.
She noticed I had placed my tooth under my pillow along with a spliff.
She said, "I don't think the tooth fairy will be wanting a spliff."
I replied, "Yes she will, she's a rasta fairy Anne."

I dont believe in any of that star sign rubbish
But thats me, typical pisces.

Sure every one knows what a will is, obviously.
It's a dead give away.

WHO are the World Health Organisation?

Carlsberg dont do girlfriends..........
If they did they wouldnt do yours.

Is anyone here called allen?
I think i found your keys

I thought that people would think I was a bit sad when they found out that I spend hours correcting the grammar and spelling of other people's posts on Sickipedia, but so far everyone has looked impressed when I've told them I right jokes.

A Lion walks into a restaurant and sits down. The Waiter comes over and says, "Would you like to order a starter, Sir?"
The Lion says, "Yes, I'll have the salmon"
"Very good Sir," says the Waiter, "and what would you like for your main?"
The Lion says, "Oh, just a comb, please."

A simile is like a metaphor.

Everyone at my work has gone on strike apart from me.
When I walked in this morning, I heard one of my co-workers shouting, "Scab, scab!"
I told him what my dad always told me: "Don't picket, you'll make it worse!"

I'm looking forward to my dirty weekend.
Wash the car, clean the garden, take rubbish out......

I wanted to catch a squirrel but didn't know how,
So I decided to just climb a tree and act like a nut.

I had a few mates round last night to watch the match.
I've never been so frustrated in all my life! Ninety minutes we sat there and literally nothing happened.
Still, I haven't lost hope. Next week we'll step things up a gear and try watching a lighter.

Attention:
If anybody on here knows Max Strength, can you tell him I have his Lemsip.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Warburtons sliced bread rolls.
No, it doesn't. It just sort of falls over on its side.

The wife shouted at me yesterday because all I had done was moped around the house all day.
The smell of petrol had stank out the dining room and I had smashed her favourite vase.