I've just been told about a weighted 'coin-toss' scam going around.
Just giving you all a heads-up.

Does anyone want to join my javelin club?
I'm just throwing it out there.

My girlfriend had a real go at me on a boat, so much so in fact that she went overboard.

Me and the missus were going on our holidays and, while on the plane, we fell out and spent the rest of the day rowing.
In hindsight, I guess it was lucky we landed next to a boat.

I've realised, after reading the crossword clue 'Physically aggressive behaviour (8)'
that violence is the answer.

As a typical Mac user.
I don't get wet when it rains.

A little Asian lad just came running into work.
I asked, "And who are you?"
He replied, "Ameer."
I said, "I can see that but what's your name?"

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He started eating the pizza long before it was cool.

I've got nothing on today.
I think I'll go to a nudist camp.

"I hide mine in the fridge."
Hardly the most secretive place to put a muller rice is it?

I watched a pirate DVD the other day.
It was a bunch of Somalians demanding ransom money.

I've developed a perfume that uses salt water from a local sea.
People say it's the English Chanel.

When I asked my wife why she had trouble sleeping, she said I wouldn't understand about hormones.
I understand perfectly. I cant get to sleep when that hormones.

BBC News: Foster carers 'urgently' needed
Well, I'm up for looking after a few tins if you want.

I just came back from a Blur concert.
I didn't see much.

Tom and Jerry never fully prepared me for the death of my cat.
Or for how heavy a mallet is.

I just cancelled my trip to Amsterdam because it's easier for tourists to get stoned in Belfast.

The English language is the best in the world. It just has a certain... je ne sais quoi.

As he cried into the sandcastles, I realised Grandpa hadn't been asking for a vacation when he said "I've not been to the beach since 1944."

What cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone

I left the pub a bit late, thereby missing the last bus. Well cry me Arriva.

I've found that the life of a serial rapist is just one struggle after another.

I trust my girl friend as far as I could throw her, which turned out to be quite far, as I live on the 10th floor.

I used to know a depressed cross eyed girl...
She never looked forward to anything.

Good King Wenseslas called his local pizza parlour.
"Would you like your usual, sir?"
"Oh yes," he replied. "Deep pan: crisp and even."