So, Michael Jackson would've been blowing candles today.
What kind of idiot names their child Candles?

I think my girlfriend is finally going to buy a cookery book. I think she might be going to get the one called 'Cooking with Two Fat Ladies'.
I mean why else would she Google for 'Big Fat Cooks'?

I rubbed tomato ketchup all over my face today.
In Heinzsight it wasn't such a good idea.

I was out fishing yesterday when my girlfriend texted me telling me she was breaking up with me.
I was left reeling.

I was given the key to the city yesterday.
Or crowbar as my scouse mate calls it.

I used to have a job in the police force, in which I'd break into secure computer files to uncover criminal activity. That was until I was met by one system that proved I wasn't up to the job.
I just couldn't hack it.

Those Scotch Eggs are a right rip off.
I ate 16 last night and didn't feel even slightly drunk.

Big noses run in my family.

My mate and I were sniffing cocaine off of a newspaper last night, and rather ironically the page we were snorting from was an editorial about the dangers casual drug use.
I thought it was more than sheer coincidence, but I suppose you could say I was reading between the lines

When it comes to politics I tend to lean towards the left. But when it comes to alcohol, I tend to lean on things that arent even there.

I always get back on my bike when I fall off.
I'm a firm believer in recycling.

Just been to Greenwich in London.
Had a mean time.

Obama compared the BP oil spill to 9/11. So in Obama terms can i compare my burnt toast to Hiroshima?

My boss said, "Jimmy, that stack of 12 baskets needs to be split into 2 stacks of 6 - break it down for me."
So I started doing the 'Running man' and then spun around on my head.

I got a 24 hour clock from a car boot for only 10p.
They'll be so mad, it's lasted far longer

PUNISHMENT
That's capital punishment.

Stop playing that silly game and do something more constructive she said. But 30 years later as I stand here trying to retrieve a scone from the depths of my toaster without touching the hot sides, I'm glad for every game of operation I played.

Saw this ad in the paper
6 years old, imported from Portugal, recovered as lost/stolen, still in good condition considering amount of abuse sustained over the years we had her. Full history of servicing. 500 ono.
Didnt notice it was a car ad when i phoned up. I thought Maddie for 500? Bargain!

I have a plan to get rich by relaying all the sewers in London.
At the moment, it's just a pipe dream.

I've been babysitting for a while now.
They really do make the most comfortable chairs.

i don't know why everyone is talking about Reading Festival 2011...
i went last year expecting to get at least one Harry Potter book in, and didn't even manage a chapter due to the noise..

Emile Heskey has cited his school careers officer as the blame for his awful howlers.
He was told. Set yourself a goal, but when it appears you are nearing that goal, aim higher.

Those stair lifts that old people use....
They drive me up the wall.

The star attraction at my local aquarium has just been repossessed.
It turned out to be a loan shark.

I've been to the dentist several times, so I know the drill.