My wife is complaining about the pain after having her appendix removed. Don't know what the problem is, she should be used to it...I take a large organ out of her every night.

What's the best way to loosen your joints?
Take a bit of tobacco out.

I've started dating couches, but I've had no luck sofa.

I've just been offered a free sky diving experience.
I'm not falling for it.

I'm treating my body like a temple from now on.
You have to take your shoes off before you enter me.

My wife is cool, and she doesn't mind me seeing other women.
She's dead.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

This man told me that he had finally finished a 10 year sentence.
To which I replied "Learn some punctuation, man"

A large area of the alphabet has been destroyed in a what is thought to have been a terrorist attack. Its not yet known who had anything to do with this atrocity. But early reports indicate G had.

My teenage daughter came home after hanging around the park, drinking Diamond White with her friends.
"Dad, I feel sick and the room's spinning," she slurred.
"Well," I replied, "those are just some of the ciderfects."

Dropped my copy of Which? magazine in the bath and it floated.
Does this mean I have to burn it?

I got water trapped in my ears after having a shower this morning.
It was a near deaf experience.

It's weird that the words 'finger puppets' sound okay as a noun...

I got talking to an American earlier, about women.
He said, "Say, dontcha just hate it when you land a date with a hot chick, and you get all excited looking forward to it, and then she blows you off at the last minute?"
I said, "I find that's usually the best part of the evening."

My mate said he needed his Honda washing in the next couple of hours but being the selfish git I am, I said I'd do it on my own Accord.

National Geographic +1...
Where lightning does strike twice

I would love to dance at a metric party, but I have two left 0.305 metres

My mate Dave was born in Australia.
His father was an African and his mother American.
Apparently he's huge down under.

Two pirates were chatting to each other.
The first pirate says, "I like your earrings - how much were they?"
The second pirate says, "A couple of bucks."
The first pirate says, "Oh, they're not bad for a buccaneer."

I used to work at a car garage that had a jet wash.
It was pointless, there was nowhere for them to land.

I bet my mate 20 he wouldn't sleep with his mum's sister. He said "make it 100."
He upped the ante.

As a Beekeeper I'm a nightmare to play scrabble with.

My amnesiac friend keeps knocking on her own front door and then going in round the back to answer her own knocks.
I don't think she realises what she's letting herself in for.

The sky was dark, the moon was high;
All alone, just her and I.
Her hair was so soft; her eyes so blue,
I knew just what she wanted to do.
Her skin so soft; her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how, but I tried my best;
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear, my fast beating heart;
But slowly she spread her legs apart.
And when I did it I felt so shame;
All at once the white stuff came.
At last it's all finished; it's all over now,
My first time ever at milking a cow.

Walk in fridges.
Pretty cool.