I got a right bolocking yesterday.
My grandma came round and she has such a hairy upper lip.
When she was leaving, she asked me why I wouldn't kiss her good bye.
Apprently my answer, "Sorry, must-dash," wasn't the best choice of words.

Roundabouts - Never straight forward, are they?

I made a joke at my cousins funeral today about how he died falling into a hole in the earth.
Went down well.

My disabled friend just told me that some of the things I've been saying about his condition show a lack of sensitivity.
"Like your legs?" I replied.

He grabbed me around my slender neck
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to my dingy room
where we could not be seen.
He tore away my flimsy wrap
and gazed upon my form.
I was so cold and damp and scared
while he was dry and warm.
He pressed his feverish lips to mine
I could not make him stop.
He drained me of my inner self
i gave him every drop.
Then he cast me from his side
so now you see me here.
An empty bottle thrown away
that once was full of beer.

I was molested by my uncle when I was a kid,
It's quite a touching story

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

It was only when I woke up inside a coffin under 6ft of soil that I realised I was in grave danger.

What do you need to get into a Welsh University.
BAA

I was asked to man the phones at work the other day.
So I went round and drew a little moustache on all of them.

What do you call an emo with cancer?
A chemo.

The other day in a night club while looking across the room I caught a glimpse up a girls skirt and saw she had "Eat Me" branded across the front of her thong.
I chuckled to myself for a moment and then thought, why would anyone want to eat underwear?

HIV, Chlamydia, Salmonella and a used band-aid go into a bar...
Just another day at the Cadbury factory.

I had a dream last night that our local Market had shrunk.
I woke up and thought, "That's a little Bazaar."

I took a woman for a date.
Easy mistake; she was small, black and wrinkly.

I was so nervous when I met my future father-in-law that i blurted out, "Sir, May I have your daughters hole in handy matrimony?"

I caught my son downloading inappropriate material on the net last night, so i had 'The talk'....
Discussing monthly broadband fees and internet quota is never easy with a 7yr old.

My mate takes part in a weather predicting contest every month.
He's the raining champion.

Confucius says : Woman who spend too much time on bed spring , should get off spring

Top Gear are to replace The Stig with an ex-Police driver.
Everyone already knows him as The Pig

I think it's shocking how black people act these days.
Especially Eddie Murphy.

Here's a good one for you,
Good one.

I can't decide what type of joke to write in this box,
it's a bit of a grey area...

It was so hot at the kid's playground I came in my shorts.

I only own one running shoe.
It's my personal trainer.