I had a house party last night.
My house was the only one that turned up.

I'm looking forward to James Cameron's new film.
It's about a mysterious planet where everybody has turned blue from drinking too much WKD.
It's called Chavatar

There's a certain stigma attached to reproduction organs, especially in flowers.

'It's the quiet ones that you've got to watch'
Especially at mime shows.

Those disposable cameras are a complete con. Now I have absolutely no record of a perfectly lovely holiday.

I've put on a bit of muscle recently.
A friend of mine asked me how I'd achieved it.
"Milk protein" I replied.
"No way" he responded.
"Whey"

Jeff Stelling is to leave as host of Countdown after 3 years.
This has presented the producers with a bit of a drumconun.

Probably the only time a Scouser is happy to see Bale denied!

Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

I was sent on an anger management course.
Apparently it's all the rage.

My new bulimia charity campaign has been quite successful.
I've received a lot of feedback.

Marie: 'What does your husband do for a living?'
Joanne: 'He's a joiner'
Marie: 'Oh yes? What does he do?'
Joanne: 'Whenever he sees someone going in the pub he joins them'

Nothing quite says "I'm a loser" like spelling loser with a double "o".

What's the temperature in Motown ?
Three degrees, four tops...

I can't seem to lose at strip poker lately...
I must be on a winning streak.

After Stephen Hawking's wheel chair crashed into a bus stop, police have found it was a computer problem.
A disabled driver

I got 25 years in jail for rifling through my own girlfriends underwear.
My lawyer tells me it would have been less if the bayonet had not been attached.

My new greyhound has come last in his first six races.
He's got an exciting Korea ahead of him.

I was trying to figure out what makes Africans so hard to understand...
... and then it clicked.

Time flies when you want to know which one's the quickest.

I can't believe Pretzels are knot bread.

What ever happened to the first Timbuk?

I went through some patches in my life that I'm not proud of.
Especially when I was a pirate.

I am trying to win the heart of a young lady.
I have bought 2 tickets in the Alder Hey Hospital raffle.

I was down the pub last night when my mate turned round and called me, "Odd."
It's made me determined to get even.