I asked a french bloke if he played video games.
He said Wii.

Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China.

My Dad used to be pretty good at drawing.
He shot my Mum dead before she'd even noticed him reach for his pistol.

If you like despair, you're one of two people:
A sixteen year old emo girl.
Or a Jamaican who likes this pear.

I went to the museum to feed the animals
But they were all stuffed

I wonder what turns Stephen Hawking on..

I once had my ankles broken by a traveling magician.
He was a hard act to follow.

I was in a restaurant the other day and I asked the waiter "What are the specials?" He said " An influential 2 Tone ska band from Coventry"

Apparently going to a fancy dress party dressed as a cactus is not a legitimate reason for spiking people's drinks.

A French man walks in to a chiropodists and says "I've got problems with defeat"

Other people don't like me queue jumping. Especially when I use my motorbike.

I went to a disabled athletics meeting last night and it was surprisingly good, especially the prosthetic foot 100 metre dash.
It was a really close run race that had to be decided with a faux toe finish.

I've just bought a new fridge that chills to absolute zero.
How cool is that?

Somebody told me that the most dangerous thing about my car is the nut behind the steering wheel.
What a load of rubbish.
I located and removed this nut, causing the steering wheel to come off as I pulled out of my drive.

Latin name-Pollachius pollachius.
They can grow over a metre in length and weigh over 20k.g
From the 'demersal' group of fish, they are an important part of the North Atlantic fisheries.
Sorry about that, I keep talking Pollocks.

My mum's got this weird fetish for sleeping with boxing gloves.
Her doctor thinks it's just the menopause setting in, but I just think she's going through a rocky patch.

To be fair, it needs to stop raining.

I got arrested the other day. I was walking down the street with a desk on my back and carrying a filing cabinet when a policeman asked what I was doing.
All I said was, "I'm impersonating an office, sir."
It didn't seem to go down well.

I got into an argument with a bloke in a bar. I pulled a knife. He chatted up the fork.

I hate left-handed scissors.
Something about them just isn't right.

My Manager called me into his office and asked if I was going to the dance.
I asked ' what dance? '
He said ' The Redun-dance '
My boss is not very sympathetic when it comes to laying off staff.

My mate couldn't wait to get his widescreen TV.
I said, "Are you going to mount it?"
He said, "I'm not that excited."

I broke into someone's house the other day by picking their lock.
The owner saw me and shouted
"Who are you? and how did you get in here?"
I replied... "I am a locksmith... and I am a locksmith."

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

My favourite hipster band is Dog Whistle.
You won't have heard them.