My mate wants to go to New York but doesn't know how to go there.
I thought it was plane obvious.

It takes a lot of guts to eat as a much as I do.

If kanye can steal the mic so easily, can taylor really be called swift?

I don't know why people make such a fuss about spring water.
It tastes the same in the winter to me.

I was tricked into buying some drugs by a swarm of wasps.
It was a sting operation.

My wife suprised me on my birthday with another hand crafted sculpture from pork.
Unsuprisingly, she made a pigs ear out of it.

I've had 3 dates so far this week.
I prefer prunes though.

I just heard that Aston Villa beat Hull City 2-.
Which was a bit of a result.

All these maths related puns are just ridiculous.
People should really get out more.....you might even get a tan!

Raoul Moat must have had a heart attack, his original complaint before he died was that he was having 'shooting pains'

Ever since Wimbledon finished I haven't been able to stop crying, I'm off my food and I just can't seem to see the point in being alive at all.
The doctor says I've got post-nadal depression.

I asked my anaesthetist friend if I could borrow his bottle of Ether.
He said, "Sure, knock yourself out".

"Ninja" isn't in my phone's predictive text.
How ironic.

I find it extremely hard playing with my sister's kids.

I bought some casings yesterday which allow rotation of mechanical components, but got lost on the way to collect them.
Took a while to get my bearings.

I bought some casings yesterday which allow rotation of mechanical components, but got lost on the way to collect them.
Took a while to get my bearings.

I was robbed earlier. They ran in stabbed me in the chest, stole my TV and just randomly threw my Xbox games everywhere.
There was Call of Duty to my right, next to that was Half Life, then me, Left for Dead.

Could Tom run out of petrol?
No, but Jerry can.

If I make fun of a group of people running around on a track, does that make me a racist?

Im supporting my mentally ill brother, I wish he'd get down my arms are killing me.

I would never dream of hurting my wife.
Because then I'd have to wake up and see that she was OK.

Just been shopping at Farmfoods,
got three bales of hay and a bucket of pig swill.

My wife walked in on me eating out her sister the other day. Instead of going mad at me, she slipped her knickers off, lay on the bed and spread her legs.
I didn't know where to put my face.

I can't believe it, just got a restraining order by Cheryl Cole just for following her on Twitter for the last year.
Twitter being my nickname for my moped.

"Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" is mostly a very violent film, but in the end they have buried the Hatchet.