I see Terry Jones has become a dad at the age of 67.
Good to see the old Python is still active.

Me and the wife did one of them hot air balloon trips where you fly over your own house... when she she leaned over the edge for a better look I pushed her out. I could tell she wasn't happy. In fact, she hit the roof

Alex Reid is in Katie Price's bad books.
He's done nothing wrong, she's just written two more autobiographies.

Just starting my shopping in Tesco and asked the fat girl on the till if she could help me out.
"Which way did you come in," she said.

Took my new Skoda back to the garage, and told the mechanic that I couldn't get past 71 up the steep hill opposite.
"Not bad for a Skoda," he replied.
"But I live at 95." I told him.

I was starving last night, so I made some Indian salsa.
After his dance I made him get me a curry.

Tink my postmn is a thif
My leters keep gong misin

My daughter's just hit the age where she asks questions about everything.
What are you doing daddy? Why is that inside me daddy? Why does it taste funny daddy?
It's hard feeding your kids vegetables.

Ill never understand women.
My wife has been nagging at me for months to do something constructive.
Now Ive finally taken her advice she complains that Im building a wall between us.

I was talking to a really attractive girl at a corporate event earlier today and I completely messed up my chat-up line.
"So you're in corporate hospitality?" I said flirtatiously. "I'd quite like to hospitalise you myself."

After my friend was run over by a steamroller I was asked to identify the body.
Police said ''How do you know him?''
I said ''He's my flat mate.''

My jokes are mostly enjoyed by paedophiles.
Not because they're funny, because they don't go past 14.

Hairy nipples?
Should've gone to Pec Shavers

Went to the pub quiz last night at my local, got thrown out for shouting out the answer to number 17. ...."Which castle was damaged by smoke in the 1990's?"
Apparently "Roy" wasn't an appropriate answer.

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm glad we don't live in that city in Australia, Queensland".
"Queensland's a state", I said.
"I know", she said. "There's debris, floating bodies and washed up cars everywhere".

My mate's just flown over to Africa to judge the wild animals over there.....
He's so Hippo-critical.

A young boy goes to bed with a stiff problem. He wakes up the next morning with a solution on his hands.

Being frank for a minute, I don't think you should ever take drugs.

My wife says I'm a real cracker in the bedroom.
A quick tug, a little bang and joke that no one laughs at.

My neighbours son is a really bad tempered bicycle thief.
He's always going off on one.

A chemistry professor walks into a bar and orders concentrated sodium hydroxide.
The barman replies, "Why the strong base?"

I've just invented a way to turn the smell of a homeless person into an effective and cheap green fuel.
I call it Trampoline.

What do you call an Indian in a cupboard?
A hiding Sikh.

I was stopped by a policeman and asked if I could identify myself. I looked in the mirror and said, "Yes officer, it's definitely me."

I was having an argument with the girlfriend last night.
In a rage I shouted "If you don't shut up I'm gonna give you a lazy eye!"
"Don't you mean a black eye?" she replied.
"Precisely!"