My doctor has prescribed a natural therapy for my clogged pores, involving rubbing uncooked corn all over myself. He refers to it as "Hard pore cornography".

As I sat watching my teenage son sit in the living room spending hours varnishing his nails last night, I couldn't help but think to myself,
"Maybe he's not cut out to be a carpenter."

"But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?"
"Sedimentary, my dear Watson."

There were 3 possible burial sites for Osama Bin Laden. CIA only refer to these sites as A, B and C. Apparently he was buried at C.

What's another word for thesaurus?

That settles it, I'm never going back to Yorkshire again. I went into the local supermarket and asked where I could find towels, and they gave me directions to the bird sanctuary!

I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton James Bond films for her birthday, but she wasn't happy.
I think she was expecting Moore.

Just got back from the latest Apple convention, with Steve Jobs giving the key note speech featuring a new product for speedy web access.
It hangs from just above each eye, giving the user full control over website search.
Apple are calling it, the iBrowse

I used to be brilliant at robotic dancing.
I'm a bit rusty now though.

What's the difference between exaggeration and contradiction?
Tons of stuff, but not a great deal.

I've got a new job at Tesco designing coupons for all their magazines and cereal boxes.
I'm really going to have my work cut out.

If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E, does he become an earlobe?

The name for the head of the Indian Mafia is 'Poppa Don'

Went golfing with my gran yesterday, when she said, "Surely I should get a handicap playing you dear?"
Well I thought a dodgy hip was enough, but I broke her arm nonetheless.
English is a fickle language.

What do I think of Message Boards?
I'm Forum!

I knocked on the door of the Dragons Den TV studio earlier.
They were out.

How do you make a hormone?
I'll give you a hint. It's in your genes.

I've just joined the Coast Guard
Should be an easy job, no-one's going to nick the coast

What sections of swimming pools do I prefer? Hmm... Depends.

Been trying to work out why my pen isn't working all day and it's just clicked...

My dad was killed working in a betting shop when it collapsed and he was pinned against the wall by boxes of betting slips.The fire brigade tried to help but the odds were stacked against him

I was taking a short cut across a field the other day,
I was halfway across when the farmer approached me and said,
"Did you leave that small wooden step at the edge of my field?"
I replied, "No, it wasn't me, that's not my stile"

Got my new Dorito swimming trunks today. Might go for a dip later.

Local headline: March brings city to standstill
Your move, April.

People from Hull speak with a distinctive accent which can make certain expressions ambiguous.
For instance, 'half hearted' can mean 'lacking enthusiasm' or 'I have just broken wind'.