Went golfing with my gran yesterday, when she said, "Surely I should get a handicap playing you dear?"
Well I thought a dodgy hip was enough, but I broke her arm nonetheless.
English is a fickle language.

What do I think of Message Boards?
I'm Forum!

Dear Editor
I find you're headline "E.Coli is a danger to children" very misleading, please do something about this.
Your's faithfully
Edward Coli

I saw a man walking along the street with a t-shirt that said 'Free Hugs'.
I don't know who 'Hugs' is, but I'm all behind your release.

I bought a herb plant today,
I think it's mint.

I'm running the London marathon on Sunday.
It's an absolute logistical nightmare, coordinating between all the local councils, getting traffic diverted and making sure that there are adequate medical provisions along the way.

I stabbed someone with a blunt pencil today.
It was an act of pointless violence.

First person shooters tend to get boring after you've shot the first person.

My wife came into the room screaming.
"Oh my god our little Kylies got meningitis."
I said "thats a little rash isn't it?"

My wife has rather annoyingly replaced all the lightbulbs in the house with energy efficient ones.
I'll never see her in the same light again.

I finally got my tax return today.
I found an asylum seeker's wallet.

I've set myself up in a new business venture, as the world's first postal pimp.
Send me your valuables, along with your name and address, and I'll despatch one of my girls to turn up at your house and ride you silly.
Please mark your envelopes 'Gash For Gold'.

If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.

I tried parallel parking today.
Ended up in another dimension.

I had a bowl of maize.
It took me an hour to get my spoon back out.

The worst part about my job in a charity shop is sorting the old woman's knickers into clean and unclean.
My works not to be sniffed at.

I won the Young Scientist Of The Year in 1986.
Nice little lad, I keep him in the loft.

Fat birds must feel peckish all the time.

Hungry astronomers don't like galaxies, they prefer something that's a little meteor.

Just finished a 1200 piece jigsaw.
I hate having no food in my house.

After working out with my coach, we went to a club and the bouncer said
"Sorry mate, no trainers."
So I told him to go home and walked in.

Took this girl out, who lives across the road from me last night. I didn't mean to I was aiming for the cat.

I had a mixed, Caesar Salad today, just before I met my last victim.
I saw, I conquered, I came.

Snooker - It's like tossing off a man behind you

Veni, Vidi, Velcro... I came I saw I stuck around