A policeman came to my door and said, "Oh dear offender, it's time to surrender. You should be ashamed, a paedophile you've been named."
I said, "What are you talking about?"
He said, "This is poetic justice."

Jews pray standing up.
Muslims pray kneeling down.
While Catholic Priests prey on young boys.

I was thinking about robbing this French city.
But then i remembered they have nothing, Toulouse.

My mate is the king of put-downs.
He's a vet.

When my sister said she was dating Ahmed I feared the worst.
As luck would have it I misheard her and she is actually dating a deformed guy with an arm sticking out of his head.

One of my squaddies in the army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: Don't blow my cover.

"I was living with a girl for about eight months, until she found out I was there."

I have been munching on little bits of metal for the last few weeks.
Not one of my five but its a staple diet.

A new Muslim version of Playboy is being published.
The model for the centrefold has just been unveiled.

I've got a hot date tonight, she's a burns victim.

Out christmas shopping today, I noticed the Josef Fritzl autobiography in WH Smith's.
Apparently, it's not a big seller.

On a scale of America to Ethiopia, how hungry are you?
Trick question. They're both as hungry as each other.

Some people are known to eat the placenta after the birth of their baby.
However, its essential to put it the fridge for a while before eating.
It tastes much better chilled than at womb temperature.

I followed this white bird with really long legs home the other night.
Police are doing me for storking.

My girlfriend wants to kill herself but she's too lazy to do it.
Sue is idle.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

Took my dog to have him put down. The vet took one look at him and said,"You're a mongrel"
Seriously, 85 quid. I could have insulted him better myself.

I decided to start my own business caring for pets left behind when their owners go on holiday when I saw how much a friend of mine had made after starting his Cattery. I don't know much about cats, but I know how to look after bugs. I haven't had much business though. Maybe it's the sign on the front of the building...

I went to a spiritualist medium the other night to try and contact my recently deceased Father.
As we were standing there, she shuddered and said "There is a very strange sensation coming over my face"
Yup, that's my Dad..

My girlfriend was fitted with the coil as a contraceptive measure.
It doesn't seem to have worked though.
She's expecting a baby in the spring.

I put my nan in a home this weekend, and she looked really confused by the whole occasion.
Mind you, so did the bloke whose house it was.

Q.S.V.X.X.
The National Society of Bad Abbreviators.

I went to the doctors and said, "I'm sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!"
He said, "Try not to get two down sir."

adzrules wrote
Try saying: "Whale Oil Beef Hooked" without sounding like an Irish man swearing.
Well we've "Norfolk and chance." Have we....

"16 Year Old Girl Shot In Takeaway Dies"
Apparently she would have lived if they could have found a doner