I just bought a straight piece of plastic.
It rules.

Poor old Ricky Ponting.
He could probably eat as many vindaloos as he wanted and still not get the runs.

I wish I hadn't bought that corrugated iron.
If anything it's made my clothes MORE creased.

x.
It's a sign of the times.

Upon reaching the peak of Everest with my wife, we realised that there was only enough oxygen left for one of us to get back down.
So I did the descent thing...

My budgie escaped from its cage not so long ago and mated with my dog.
Now I have several puppies going cheep if anyone's interested.

A new book out today.
The korean canine training manual
50 ways to wok your dog

I absolutely refuse to believe that I am in denial.....

I brewed 5 gallons of homebrew. It was pretty weak so my mate offered a tenner if I could drink the lot in one session... I was going to accept, but in the end I bottled it.

I am married to two women.
After years of deceit I owned up to both of them.
I thought that was big of me.

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.
"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.
Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
"It's raining, of course," Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.
But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."
To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Went to a funfair the other day and saw that the sign advertising it was missing the first F.
That's just unfair.

Lady Gaga's lyrics are so obscure.
I think she has hidden a gender.

I've just seen a suicide bomber
He was quite good but I wasn't blown away

Took my six year old niece fishing today.
Didn't even get a tug.

Phew! I've only just managed to glue all the leaves back on the tree in my garden that blew off overnight before it got dark.
What a re-leaf.

I went to see a bloke about buying a car today.
The price was too high, but I managed to knock him down.
Then I just drove off in it.

Postman knocked on my door the other day and asked, "Is this letter for you?The name is smudged."
I said, "No, It's not for me mate, my name's Smith."

Before I go lurking in the playgrounds I eat three packets of Haribo.
Then I wait with baited breath.

Know what's odd?
About every other number.

Hole punch: The Katie Price method of masturbating.

BBC News: "895 poles entering the UK every day"
What kind of climbing frame are we building?

I have a Chinese friend called Ding.
Every time the microwave goes off, he thinks someone's calling him.

My wife said she wants a rubber plant to freshen up the living room a bit.
I think it's a stupid idea. If anything it'll have opposite effect. The noise would be deafening, and just imagine the CO2 emissions.

Whist having a conversation with my girlfriend, she brought up 'Sperm'.
It was funny just watching it run down her chin.