I like my women the way I like my math.
At primary school level.

I just seen a 12 year old girl riding a mental patient to school.
It was virgin on the insane.

I didn't know how to spell 'plagiarised' so I copied and pasted it.

Erectile dysfunction; just when you thought it couldn't get any harder.

The doctor asked me if I ever got lonely, I said "No, don't be silly"
After that I got bored playing hospital, and put my dolls away...

I was going to crack another joke about the Periodic Table.
I then decided I didn't want to make a Copper, Neutronium of myself...

What's the best way to gut a fish?
Kill its family.

Jill broke her finger today.
But on the other hand she was completely fine.

Dear diary: Two days ago I finally succeeded in my lifes only ambition of climbing Mount Everest,
it's been pretty much all downhill since then.

I miss the days when pop songs were about weasels.

I woke up this morning and it looked good out.....
......so i left it out

My missus is always doing things to cheer me up. I got diagnosed with IBS earlier this week and she bought me The Simpsons trading card game.
I have nearly all of them but I need Apu.

My wife said my driving was like Mark Webber's.
I nearly flipped.

I hate being a brunette.
It's just not fair.

As a child, I had an obsession with posh spice.
It cost my mum a fortune in saffron.

I don't trust carpenters, they're a crafty bunch.

I'd heard that Calvin Klein is bringing out a new fragrance...
But it was just aroma.

Jokes on Sickipedia are a lot like children.
If you have stolen them, chances are...... they will also get buried.

I told my girlfriend that I'd been a professional body builder for the last 10 years.
She said "Really, you don't look very strong".
I replied "You don't have to be to reconstruct accident victims at the mortuary".

I thought I'd found the perfect website to help me overcome my fear of flying until it crashed.

How does the barber cut the moon's hair?
Eclipse it.

I have an Eskimo fetish, but most people just aren't that Inuit.

Nine of my mums sisters have been standing outside Miss Selfridges all night holding candles.
You can't beat vigil aunties.

I toss and turn for hours on end until I realize that making a salad isn't going to relax me.

I went to a charity darts match last night, Heather Mills v Jake The Peg.
Heather lost by three legs to one.