I've been sacked from my job.
Or as I prefer to think of it, I'm on eternity leave.

I've written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It's very saucy.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks.
It was way too literal for me.

I'm an easy target for muggers.
Take it from me.

"I've got two words for you"
"I can't count"

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.

When I was younger, I went shoplifting in Ann Summers.
I stole a vibrator. I didn't need it, I only did it for the buzz.

I caught the tube this morning.
I really must be more careful when zipping up my trousers.

So China have executed a British Muslim, now that's what I call a Chinese Sheihkaway!

Congratulations to my wife. I am very proud of her as she has finally stopped smoking today.
The crematorium have informed me that her ashes will be available for collection next Monday.

12 shot dead at "soldier readiness station".
Well, they weren't ready for that were they?

Went to the Ice Cream Van and asked for a 99, the Ice Cream Man asked if I wanted hundreds and thousands.
I said no thanks mate, just the one.

My wife, Lorraine, has just found out that I have been cheating on her with Clara next door. Last night, she packed her things and was off on her way.
I can see Clara now, Lorraine has gone.

I bought some really odd shaped eggs but now i can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.

I'll never forget what my late grandmother once said to me.
"Sorry, but the traffic was bad."

I bought a chess set the other day. I started eating it but it tasted horrible, so I took it back to the shop and said, "Here, this is stale mate."
The shop-keeper said, "No it's not."
I said, "Yes it is. Check mate."

BigPond news: 'Apple sells 1.7m iPhones'.
Will this version have the same features as the 115 millimetre iPhones?

I can't stop reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

You should have seen the heads turn when I walked into the local mosque earlier.
My neck snapping techniques are unbelievable.

'All's well that ends well'
Maybe except for, 'I'm trapped down a...'

Got an insurance quote today for my car.
They offered me a fire-and-theft policy.
I thought, "Who'd nick a car that was on fire?"

Stupid or what.
I live in a small village with the population of about 300 people.
So why has the local shop got a sign reading ' 2010 calendars in stock?'

I have just filled my fishtank up to the top with Lilt.
It looks totally tropical....

CNN News: At least 10 people killed in monster twister.
Invite a vampire, a werewolf and godzilla to play Twister and you're just asking for it.

My wife was looking through my laptop the other day while I was at work.
She found some indecent images of minors.
What can I say?
I just get really turned on by naked men digging for coal.