I fell into a giant vat of liquid chocolate on a recent trip to Cadburys World.
Fortunately for me, I came out of it smelling of Roses.

Manchester United wiped the floor with Ajax tonight.
As they have done every day since Darren Fletcher's bowel condition was diagnosed.

Met this beautiful girl today, but she was way out of my league, I thought.
She said to me, "Would you like to have dinner tonight?"
I replied, "I like to have dinner every night."

"Movember" has been great fun, I'm not that ecstatic about "Fanuary" though.

I just sent a postcard back home to my ex-girlfriend, it read:
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

I've booked a table at one of those new Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses.
They're for people who love meat tender.

I was at a wedding yesterday and there were thirteen people sitting at the top table.
I thought, "That's an odd number."

Did you hear about the man who listened to the match?
He burnt his ear.

As me and my son sat watching a scary film, the whimpering started and soon developed into hands covering the eyes in blind terror.
At which point my son said, "Dad, is this another one of those predictable jokes when it turns out to be you blubbing and not me?"

Did you hear about the guy that trashed a Chinese restaurant?
He's being charged with Wonton Destruction.

A man walked over to a kid playing with a huge lizard and asked if he could see it.
After fiddling around with it for a few moments, he asked what its name was.
The kid replied with, "Tiny."
"How on Earth did you ever get a name like that for such a huge creature?" the man asked in awe.
The kid replied with, "Because he's my newt!"

Mimes have an interesting job... to say the least.

Mimes have an interesting job... to say the least.

What do you call a tall bloke from Baghdad ?
The high Iraqi.

I didn't think my friend would be able to cure his own testicular cancer but he managed to pull it out of the bag.

I was walking along a riverside the other day when a fisherman caught my eye.

Only users lose drugs.

Celebrating my 9th wedding anniversary this weekend.
And after 9 one year Marriages, I'm sure this wife is the one.

I started a campaign to raise money to save exotic birds from extinction and stood outside Tesco's rattling toucans to help macaws.

My mate got hit in the head by a jar of Nescafe that fell off a lorry.
It was instant death.

I come from a musical family.
I lived in A flat.

I looked up 'Opaque' in the dictionary today.
The definition was not very clear.

When I was a kid, I asked my mum what a couple was and she said "oh, two or three". And she wonders why her marriage didn't work...

My wife always said I was a turn-off.
Which made it an easy decision to turn off her life support machine.

When my castle was under attack I sent out my last remaining knight to do battle.
I shouted "I will never give in!"
My enemy replied "Is that your final lancer?"