BBC News: Man arrested over missing woman
Imagine if he'd have hit her

I hated school. My English teacher said that I would never amount to anything. I said to him, "Mark my words... that's your job."

I always win at Twister.
Hands down.

My wife said that I don't play with our children enough.
If only she knew.

Downloading digital audio has completely revolutionised our lives.
It's the biggest change in the way we buy music since records began.

Me and my brother have had to close down our archery business.
We didn't hit any of our targets in the first 12 months.

I bought a sniper rifle to try and shoot my wife. I climbed to the very top of a tree in the park and tried to shoot her as she climbed out of the car outside our house, but missed.
Maybe I'm setting my sights too high.

I entered a contest last week for the most prominent veins. I didn't win, but I came varicose.

The Self Service Checkout.
Never have the words "This will be much quicker" been so short-lived.

I had to phone in sick at work today.
The guy sat next to me at the call centre puked all over my chair.

You know what?
I really can't stand sitting down.

BBC news headline - "Gang rips out 1km of phone cable".
As of yet the Police have, no leads

I keep buying rocket, but it always goes off before I can eat it.

My girlfriend keeps a picture of me in a locket hung around her neck, she thinks it brings us closer together.
I think I'm independent.

I went home to my wife after seeing the doctor, ''Honey I have some bad news, I slept with 3 guys on holiday and now I have aids.''
''This has got to be a joke!'' she replied angrily.
''Ok!'' I replied, ''I slept with a Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...''

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac.
They're just stereotypes.

43 dead, while 75 left seriously injured after a Dr Pepper lorry crashed into primary school.
I'm pretty sure that's the worst that could've happened.

My wife said I could call our new daughter anything I like,
So I called her bluff.

I feel sorry for the 9/11 jumpers.
They'll never sell.

BBC News: 'Girl hit by taser by mistake'
Shocking.

Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.... I said to myself.

some people think they're conkers, but they're horse chestnut seeds.

In relation to the Boxing Day stabbing on Oxford Street, Detective Chief Inspector Dunne, of the Metropolitan Police's homicide command, said that nothing was being discounted.
Doesn't sound like much of a Boxing Day sale to me.

SKY NEWS: Riot in Belgium: Kurds Clash With Police
I always said yellow wasn't their colour.