I bought one of those "Dyson Ball" vacuums. Surprised it didn't even have a bag to collect the dust in.
Guess it must be a Ball Bag-less vacuum.

I don't care if my friend has OCD. I think he's a really neat guy.

I used some volumising shampoo earlier.
Wish I hadn't, the neighbours keep asking me to keep the noise down.

I've just surgically attached 2 prison inmates. It was con fusing.

The Sheffield United 'keeper has been let go after firing over the penalty that lost them the play-off final. A club statement read that he really needed to raise the bar..

Even though our pitch was covered in sand, we still made it through to the final of the cup.
We won on aggregate.

I got quite emotional at the garage today - it was a lovely service.

A recent News headline said "Churchgoers driven away by bats."
Seems heavy handed, but my cricket team really disagrees with the Church's line on artificial contraception.

A friend of mine got me a new car for my birthday; it wasn't the car I wanted, but he'd already paid for it.
It was a Fiat Accompli.

What is it with U-Bends?
I can't seem to get my head round them

When my girlfriend was getting into the car, her tights ripped.
So I gave her the fan-belt

I said to my wife "Stop being stupid. You know I always name the animals on the farm after fictional literary characters."
Yes"she replied "but why have you named the donkey, O.T?"

I caught a fish that almost got away.
He was gutted.

Greece are zeusless

I just had an argument in a hair dressers.
But I am glad we straightened that out.

I gave my dog a few beers last night.
It's fair to say he looked a bit ruff this morning.

Just bought 'A History of Candles' from Waterstones.
I like nothing better than a little light reading before bed.

I went mental when I discovered I would be skydiving in a tin-shaped parachute.
I was incandescent.

What did the nostril say to the index finger?
Take your pick.

I can't remember the first time i got completely drunk.

No one's just left me.
Because no one says I refuse to acknowlege no one's existence.

Microsoft have just introduced a new Internet search engine for alcoholics
.. It's called gargle.

What's the similarity between a girlfriend and an Xbox?
If you cheat on them, you don't get an achievement.

As I was driving home yesterday, my SatNav read an alert which said: "ROAD WORKS AHEAD"
How thoughtful...
It's odd how it's never told me about a : "ROAD BROKEN AHEAD".

My wife ran out of baked beans today so we had to make do with alphabetti spaghetti, I said I wouldn't enjoy it but I had to eat my words.