My wife said I'm addicted to comic book guy
Worst. Accusation. Ever.

I asked my Magic 8-Ball which email program would it recommend. "Outlook not so good" it said. Thanks, 8 Ball!

I have a fantastic memory.
In fact, I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

After that boy cried wolf I bet all of the village paedophiles were lining up.

Before we split up, my wife was obsessed with horoscopes.
I'm sure that's what Taurus apart.

I bought a belt made entirely from five pound notes.
It was a waist of money.

For Sale:
Grandfather clock - only one part missing.
Second hand.

The definition of irony....
The drink of choice of the homeless being called Tennants.

Hi my name is Tomimem
The 'mime' is silent

It's National Pasta Day!
So I've heard from my sauces.

When it comes to making money, I've got to hand it to my wife.
All of it.

How subtle is the b in subtle?

My grandma has been given the dreadful news that she's suffering from colon cancer and will need surgery to remove part of her bowel.
On a positive note, she'll still have a semi-colon.

My friend asked me to rewire his house.
Now there's an offer I can't refuse.

The wife and I are trying to get pregnant...
I'll be honest...
I think she'll get there first.

Isn't the English language strange?
Literally speaking, the opposite of up-lifting must be down-dropping. Which sounds like dropping a kid with learning disabilities down some stairs.
Which I personally find very uplifting.

I'm a proud Geordie and just read that the best place to live and raise a family is Scandinavia.
Norway...

For the last three weeks I've received letters that read 'innit blud, you is lovin da jerk chickin. Peace.' I just couldn't understand it.
Turns out I was being black-mailed..

I got sacked from my job at the clock factory.
I just stood around making faces all day.

I managed to upset people today at my wifes funeral today by asking them if they enjoyed the service...
Most of them think I shouldn't have been playing Tennis.

Our 'Relate' Counsellor said my wife and I needed to talk about the elephant in the room.
I turned to my wife and said ''see, even she thinks you're fat"

I've always found the letter "n" divides opinion.

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

A bloke sees a cat in the window of a pet shop with a sign saying 'Cats from Holland for sale' so he goes in and says, "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?"

I had an argument with my neighbour about my trees growing over his fence.
When I extended the olive branch it only made matters worse.