My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells and told me I had to lift them all over the next quarter of an hour.
Weight a minute...

Polce Toay Announce They Are Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts.

Walking.
It's the way forward.

Last night I was at a pub when suddenly a fight broke out. This one guy picked up a chair and tried to hit the other guy with it when suddenly the second guy ducked and to my amazement, picked up the whole bar and hit the first guy with it.
I thought to myself, 'Wow, what a counter attack.'

All of my clothes come with a "Warning: may contain nudity" tag.

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?
Wow, nice belt

So Gordon Brown and David Cameron have something in common...this year, they've both lost a Sun.

My wife asked me to fix a plug for her this morning.
I refused.

Are they ever going to find out if its maybelline or not?

I can't believe Laura Robson has been knocked out of Wimbledon, before I even had a chance to knock one out over Laura.

I'm addicted to rehab....
But where do I go?

What's the trouble with BNP football team?
They're all right wings.

If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.

I used to work at Tesco in the fabric softener aisle but I've just moved to wines and spirits.
I'm out of my comfort zone.

My girlfriend was furious when she came home to find two naked women, covered in edible body paint and tied to our bed.
I don't know what her problem is, she said that she liked chocolatey Claires.

If Benitez asked his Liverpool squad to push pineapples and shake a tree, what would Agger do?

I heard about this tv game show and thought the wife would be perfect for it. However, when I read the application form it turned out I heard it wrong.
It's actually called "Fact Hunt"

My wife bought me a shot of Botox for my birthday...
I didn't look that suprised.

I got a parking ticket yesterday for parking in a spot with a wheelchair on it.
The police must have heard the guy screaming.

My girlfriend asked me the other day, "Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?"
I said, "I'm sorry, I don't follow you."

If there's one thing that always makes me laugh.
N2O.

I took my missus out for dinner the other night but all she wanted to do was play footsie under the table. Eventually, I managed to order a steak. She ended up getting toed in the hole.

My girlfriend's engagement ring cost me four figures...
R2-D2, Han Solo, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.

Hollywood.
It's made a huge name for itself.

Someone just called my mate an ape.
I took offense because he's my prime mate.