The wife and I are trying to get pregnant...
I'll be honest...
I think she'll get there first.

Isn't the English language strange?
Literally speaking, the opposite of up-lifting must be down-dropping. Which sounds like dropping a kid with learning disabilities down some stairs.
Which I personally find very uplifting.

I'm a proud Geordie and just read that the best place to live and raise a family is Scandinavia.
Norway...

For the last three weeks I've received letters that read 'innit blud, you is lovin da jerk chickin. Peace.' I just couldn't understand it.
Turns out I was being black-mailed..

I got sacked from my job at the clock factory.
I just stood around making faces all day.

I managed to upset people today at my wifes funeral today by asking them if they enjoyed the service...
Most of them think I shouldn't have been playing Tennis.

Our 'Relate' Counsellor said my wife and I needed to talk about the elephant in the room.
I turned to my wife and said ''see, even she thinks you're fat"

I've always found the letter "n" divides opinion.

Why do elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

A bloke sees a cat in the window of a pet shop with a sign saying 'Cats from Holland for sale' so he goes in and says, "How Dutch is that moggy in the window?"

I had an argument with my neighbour about my trees growing over his fence.
When I extended the olive branch it only made matters worse.

My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells and told me I had to lift them all over the next quarter of an hour.
Weight a minute...

Polce Toay Announce They Are Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts.

Walking.
It's the way forward.

Last night I was at a pub when suddenly a fight broke out. This one guy picked up a chair and tried to hit the other guy with it when suddenly the second guy ducked and to my amazement, picked up the whole bar and hit the first guy with it.
I thought to myself, 'Wow, what a counter attack.'

If Benitez asked his Liverpool squad to push pineapples and shake a tree, what would Agger do?

I heard about this tv game show and thought the wife would be perfect for it. However, when I read the application form it turned out I heard it wrong.
It's actually called "Fact Hunt"

My wife bought me a shot of Botox for my birthday...
I didn't look that suprised.

I got a parking ticket yesterday for parking in a spot with a wheelchair on it.
The police must have heard the guy screaming.

My girlfriend asked me the other day, "Dave, why do you always walk in front of me?"
I said, "I'm sorry, I don't follow you."

If there's one thing that always makes me laugh.
N2O.

I took my missus out for dinner the other night but all she wanted to do was play footsie under the table. Eventually, I managed to order a steak. She ended up getting toed in the hole.

My girlfriend's engagement ring cost me four figures...
R2-D2, Han Solo, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.

Hollywood.
It's made a huge name for itself.

Someone just called my mate an ape.
I took offense because he's my prime mate.