My friend stepped on a land mine for the second time a few days ago;
I'm helping him find his feet again.

Leroy said, "I've got a really bad headache."
I asked, "Have you taken anything?"
He replied, "A couple of aspirin."
I said, "No, have you taken anything? My wallet is missing."

A Mistress is what goes in between a Mister and a Mattress.

If there's two things i hate, its that i can't count.

I've decided to have a party in my vegetable patch tonight.
Lettuce turnip the beet.

I've just heard the shocking news about Elton John dying !
I always thought that was his natural hair colour.

I was sat on the train, and a ginger bloke near me received a text.
I thought, "It must be from Orange."

They believe Michael Jackson's death was due to heredity issues.
The doctors say the cause may have been his Billy gene.

"I might become a window cleaner," my wife said hilariously. "I've just found a ladder in my tights!"
"You should, dear," I replied. "You've already got a bucket in your knickers."

Yesterday I saw a red cross nurse. I would have preferred a blonde cheerful one.

My wife told me some words mean the world to her...
They do to me too, like earth, globe and planet.

When I was at the garden centre today I asked for something herby. .
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver

I wanted to join the police but I failed the screening process. I couldn't even play 'Every Breath You Take'.

There was a demonstration by homeless people in town today.
They were demanding change.

What is Stephen Hawking's favourite cream?
sQWERTY.

I've been developing a photographic memory.

My Dad blames me for his descent into the filthy world of kerb crawling.
He's got a point really; I did sell his wheelchair on e-bay.

I went to the doctors today about my addiction to astrology.
He said "What are the signs?"

How do you make a fruit cordial?
Compliment his shoes.

BBC News: 'Man kidnaps his own clone.'
Neighbours say he kept himself to himself.

I asked my nephew what he wants for his 18th birthday.
He said, "Uncle Osama, what I really want is 72 virgins to do whatever I want with."
Well, if that's what he wants then that's what he'll have. It's going to cost him a bomb though.

BBC NEWS: HP to exit PC and tablet business...
It's probably best they stick to making sauces.

My girlfriend likes a good six-pack in a guy. Funnily enough, I need a good six-pack in me to like the girlfriend.

50 Cent's real name is Arthur Dollar.

The problem with employing homeless people is that they don't think outside the box.