I've just joined The Magic Circle.
It was just a Magic Curved Line before.

I got a mug shot taken today.
Why I had a picture of a mug, I don't know.

What do you call a cautious Russian wasp?
a K.G.B

A bloke walks into a pub and orders himself a pint. He notices Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next barstool and asks him if he wants a pint, too.
"No thanks," replies Vincent. "I've got one ear."

A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

To keep slim I jump queues.
It reduces my wait.

I've just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1;
I couldn't hear it very well, though.

Despite the stereotype, I know many black men who are on the payroll..
..sorry..
..it's spelt 'parole'

My new book about Poltergeists is flying off the shelves.

When life gives you: high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodexrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium furnarate, yellow 5, tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavours...
Make lemonade

I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes.
Things are looking up.

I was in bed with this bird last night and she asked if she could cover me in ketchup and lick it all off.
I thought,' That's a bit saucy.'

I don't know what the fascination is with strip clubs.
It's just the same old thong and dance.

If I ever found out I only had a week to live and could go anywhere in the world...
I think I'd go to the hospital, because it sounds serious.

I was arrested yesterday on suspicion of murdering my orchestra conductor.
Apparently because I had bought a Stradivarius in 2002, an Amati in 1998 and a Guarneri in 1990,
the police said I had a history of violins.

I quit my job as a deep sea diver today.
I just couldn't take the pressure.

I turned myself in to the police today.
I went out with a taser and chased some black people

It's going to be drizzly outside. Expect a lil wayne.

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them some drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He asks, "What?s this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn't know. I uh..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

I fingered my sister the other day.
I mean, what else was I supposed to do when my Dad said, "Who ate the last biscuit?"

Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper.
Only with more headlines.

Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.

Stonehenge Rocks.

I'm not afraid of flying.
I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet in the air and suddenly "not" flying.

Adoption jokes -
There's never a good time to tell them.