As a teenager, I once smashed up a nestful of heron's eggs.
No egrets.

Guns don't kill people. Raptures do.

Being the gentleman that I am, I offered a seat to a lady on the bus today.
The person sitting there wasn't too happy though.

"That's it! Three strikes, and you're out."
My bowling team hates overachievers.

I walked into a clock shop and said to the owner, "Are you some kind of wind-up merchant?"

Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.
He lost a lot of blood, but although they managed to stem the flow, paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

My girlfriend asked me to recommend a tv series boxset for her to buy. I told her to get Lost.
For some reason she came over last night with all the dvds, why can't she take the hint that its over?

Wife walks in on husband reading her diary.
Wife - "why have you been going through my wardrobe again?"
Husband - "I was looking for a lion and a witch."
Wife - "that's none of your business!"
Husband - "I think you'll find that's Narnia business."

Three boys were having a urination contest on a wall, trying to aim as high as possible. One of the mother's came along and scolded them for making a mess of a public wall. So when the fathers asked their sons about what the mother did to them, the sons all said, "she hit the roof." The fathers then replied, "did she win?"

My wife called me into the bathroom and asked me to wash her back.
I don't remember her washing me in the first place.

There is a remote tribe that worships the number Zero.
Is nothing sacred?

I've not managed to get any work for 3 months now, at my job in the condiment factory.
Apparently, the demand for staff there is seasonal.

I can't believe it's pancake Tuesday again.
Honestly, it just crped up on me.

My mate told me that he played in goal for Chelsea; just in case he was lying I thought I'd..
Petr Cech

As Shakespeare used to say:
Prose before hoes.

To those men who whinge and whine saying it's too hard to cultivate apples, I say, "Grow a pear."

I was cleaning my flat today when suddenly I thought...
Why don't I just buy a new tyre?

A gorgeous blonde in our office said to me the other day, "Would you like some of my Cherryade?"
I replied, "I don't mind if I do, but I'd prefer it if you called me Adrian."

I asked my local butcher if his lamb was any good.
He said I'd never get better.
He was right. I've contracted amebic dysentry and life threatening toxoplasmosis.

I went to see one of those motivational speakers today...
Well...I nearly did.

A woman walks up to a handsome man in a nightclub and shouts: 'Fat penguin!'
'Pardon?' he says, looking bemused.
'Sorry,' she replies. 'I was just trying to think of something that would break the ice.'

I wanted to be an axe murderer, but I couldn't quite hack it.

I'm afraid of black, English strikers
I'm Jermain Dephobic

My new band is called 'DEAF'...
We've just been signed.

Rare white tiger kills zoo keeper...
That's why I prefer my tigers medium to well done..