I've written a book on how to cut onions.
Read it and weep.

My grandma had a nasty trip last week.
Thought she was being eaten by a purple unicorn.

I took some poppers at a party the other night, and it spun me right out.
I only remember a loud bang, then waking up covered in confetti.

I was walked down the street the other day when a man pops out and starts throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.
I dodged This and There but I didn't see That coming.

Disposable beds are unreliable.

Samoa.
The answer to "What's that in the shed?"

I got chatting to this really fit bird in a club the other week.
After a few drinks and that, I asked if she wanted to come back to my place.
"Do you have cable?" she asked.
"Don't be daft," I said. "I've got some rope in the garage that's just as strong."

I woke up this morning at the crack of dawn.
I said, "Dawn, please get off my face."

I'm sure I've already posted my joke about deja vu!

Apparently, when two women live together, their periods can become synchronised.
I found that out from two girls who share a pad.

Ive been off work all this week because my pet cow is sick.
My boss just called to say he thinks Im milking it.

I shaved my husbands moustache while he was asleep
I did it right underneath his nose

A guy tried robbing me at knife point, luckily I managed to disarm him.
I'd just bought a chainsaw.

Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words.

My dad's just been telling us why he should be employee of the month at Samsonite this month.
To be fair he does make a good case.

What do you call a couple that go fishing together?
Rod and Annette.

The price of owning a faulty jetpack is going through the roof.

Last weekend I pitched a business idea to a mate, and last night he turns up on my doorstep with all kinds of brochures about pet shampoo and hair clippers.
Apparently we have very different ideas about what opening 'The Ultimate Grooming Parlour' would involve.

I went to the pub last night for a few pints. My mate was in a terrible state...
Texas.

I like my women as I like my tea.
Chopped up, put in bags and thrown in water.

I got a lift to work this morning.
Now people don't have to use the stairs.

Cashiers are always checking me out.

I've been sending my mum a card every Mother's Day for the last fifty years.
If she can stay alive for another two, she'll have a full deck.

I was climbing Big Ben for charity, when all of a sudden my rope broke and I fell!
But luckily I got snagged on the big hand of the clock, and then I thought...
Hang on a minute....

Just who is this Mark Scheme who keeps getting full marks on all the maths tests?