Just been watching The lion the witch and the wardrobe.
My wife and her mum were carrying our new Ikea flatpack.

I'm contemplating inventing a plane with no wings then selling it to British Airways.
I know what you're thinking; it'll never take off.

I had a go at blackjack last night.
We're mates again now though..

Heidi Klum asked me if I'd mind going to the chemist for her to pick up some Prozac for her husband. I said ok, and off I went.
It was only when i got to the counter to pay, that i noticed the bottle cap read; "Do not purchase if seal is depressed"
Wasn't that the whole point?

I was sat on the tube next to the wife earlier and thought to myself...
...I wish she'd hurry up and die or the nurse might notice her oxygen's dropped.

Anyone ever noticed that 3.14 looks a bit like Pie backwards?
Yes, I know, I should be getting a life for Christmas.

"Hairdresser dies at Salon"
Not that shocking, I would have thought dying was in her job description.

This nice weather doesn't fool me one bit.
It's just a front.

I told my fiancee and friends that I wanted to racially segregate our wedding.
They didn't really warm to it.
I was met with a mixed reception.

I'm starting a one-man band.
Email me if you're interested.

Just had lunch at an excellent Christian restaurant called "The Lord Giveth".
They also do takeaways.

Just had a sage and onion enema.
It's knocked the stuffing out of me.

Last night was a close call , I got the girlfriend out the house seconds before the wife came home.
I was feeling quite pleased with myself as we got into bed,
then the relationship hit a sticky patch..

I've just read that 1 bus takes on average 10 cars off the road.
Personally, I think it depends on how aggressive the bus driver is.

My son asked me if it was ok to smoke crack in the snow.
I said "It certainly is, son, as long as you don't in hail."

African boxer Mongo Umbongo successfully returns to the ring after having both legs amputated below the knee following a landmine accident.
His pro record now stands at 10 wins without defeat.

My local pub has decided it will donate all the money raised from its special 'Indian Set Meal' to help the starving people of India.
It consists of a Chicken Bury Auntie, a Nan Dead and a Papa Gone.

I said to my wife "you look slinky", as she stood at the top of the stairs. ...

I'm giving away a free gate.
Honestly, there's no catch.

My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator,
It didn't go down well.

The word "duck" is 75% obscene.

I can't wait to see the Queen's diamond jubilee.
Fancy getting a vajazzle at her age.

Convicted "British" Paki drug-smuggler Akmal Shaikh thought he was getting death by ganja when the Chinese said "We gon' gif you reefer injection"

What's the difference between getting a fizzy orange drink up a straw and my daughter's Christmas Day fantasy?
One's sucking Fanta...

I never question myself.
Why should I start now?