I accidentally ran over a cat today. It was okay but its tail had fallen off.
Luckily I took it to Tesco, Britain's biggest retailer.

What do you call a Russian electrician?
Switchitonanov

Snow White didn't achieve much in her life but she managed to turn one of the dwarves purple.
At least she dyed Happy.

My wife has a fetish for the knights from Monty Python.
They make her go weak at the Ni's.

I find it really hard to hold my beer, especially in the winter.
I think it's the mittens.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"It may take a while for me to get hard, I got laid yesterday."

A Rastafarian just gave me a haircut.
I look dreadful.

I just witnessed a kidnapping.
So, when his mothers back was turned, I grabbed him.

My fear of insomnia keeps me awake at night.

Hooters should do a home delivery service and call it Knockers.

Sarah Jessica Parker, Princess Anne, Camilla Parker Bowles and Leona Lewis are going to star in a show about rich, pampered women looking for love.
Desperate Horsewives.

I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my palm
On the other hand I might not bother.

I turned down a foursome with my girlfriend and her two mates this morning.
It's too cold to play golf until the spring for me.

Mark Knopfler asked if I could look after his hens while he was away on tour.
He even said he'd pay me.
I just popped round every day and threw them a handful of corn.
It was money for nothing and I got some chicks for free.

It's just been confirmed that Manchester United striker Danny Welbecks grandad was a bomb disposal expert in 2nd world war.
Stan Welbeck

I went to the missing persons bureau,but there was no-one there.

Breaking News: Ne ws

'Ten clowns arrested in a raid at a circus.'
Police reported large pockets of resistance.

My Korean friend died last week.
So Yung...

He wears stockings, carries a knife and sneaks into little girls bedrooms.
I'm amazed Peter Pan has got away with it for as long as he has.

I spent the whole of last night watching Desperate Housewives.
I set up a webcam at my wife's Ann Summers party.

I found my perfect match today. Redhead, stick thin, well kept box, if a bit rough on the edges.
Seemed a shame to strike it.

"I'm not a Racist. Some of my best friend is Black", claimed the Zebra.

A man once offered me a thousand pounds to orally pleasure him.
A thousand pounds. Well, I had my chance and I blew it.

My wife and I were having a little argument about what had happened during our recent holiday to Egypt.
I protested that I never went swimming.
She said I was in denial.