I was just chatting with my aunt on my mother's side.
They're conjoined twins.

I'd never hit a child with a keyboard.
But I'd like to Ctrl and F1.

Whenever anybody asks what I do. I tell them I'm a Thai boxer, to make myself sound hard.
Sounds better than telling them I pack men's neckwear in a warehouse.

I've just bought a shire horse.
As if my other horse wasn't shy enough

My mate swears that he dreams in colour.
I say it's just a pigment of his imagination.

I came home from work early today and caught my wife in bed with another bloke. I was angry but I refrained from going ballistic.
I opted for a melee weapon instead.

Wish I hadn't bought a house in Grimsby.
Neighbours from Hull.

Ah...The irony of playing a game of chess against your Czech mate

If someone asks you to spell "Part A" backwards, don't do it.
It's a trap......

If guns don't kill people, people kill people -
Does that mean toasters don't toast toast, toast toasts toast?

I remember when the policeman asked me if I was going to come quietly.
I said, "I'll try, but those handcuffs really excite me."

Police in Oswestry have arrested a man outside a pub after he was heard to say "I could murder a couple of Fosters"

I rang SeaWorld the other day, because I wanted some information. Before I got through to an employee, I got a tape telling me "This call may be recorded for training porpoises."

I went to see a counsellor. I told him, "I feel really angro, very encshus, and I'm parinod."
"Sounds like you have trouble expressing your emotions," he told me.

"On 05/04, we tried to cast out a demon, but you weren't home."
- The Fed Exorcist

A doctor removed my appendix the other day.
Apparently I shouldn't have been reading in his office.

It's hard to explain how good my ability to describe things is.

I only buy British soil.
I don't like any of that foreign muck.

I'm completely addicted to eating skittles.
Which is probably why I'm banned from all the bowling alleys in town.

I've just thrown a washing machine at my wife...
Bosch.

school kids hurt in ventilation collapse ( should have duct )

A friend of mine asked me to be usher at his wedding last week.
But when I blacked up, stripped off my shirt and sang R&B, he wasn't very happy.

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory. The manager asks, "Have you worked with chemicals before?"
Paddy replies, "Yes."
The manager then asks, "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"
Paddy replies, "Yes, it's time and a half."

I've got a blind date tonight with this girl who is 78.8 inches tall,
I can't wait two metre.

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.
She's inflatable.