I've written a book about an Apartment block for Midgets.
It's a collection of short storeys.

Infinity is simply nothing, with a twist.

I was mentally undressing this girl at work today.
She was no match for my garden shears.

The Black Death.
Should be avoided like the...well, just try not to get it.

I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture.
Now I just live in a flat.

I got drunk last night.
Serves me right for swimming in a cup of tea.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels
He's the Spokesman.

I went to see my doctor with chronic depression and said,
"Feeling any happier these days doc?"

I'm lucky, I can always count on my wife.
She wears a lot of beads.

One of my relatives died at 03:00am this morning, and I'm not too bothered by it.
I guess that I'm just not a mourning person.

A man's been found guilty of death by dangerous driving after running down 5 people whilst eating weetabix at the wheel of his car.
When quizzed on why he had done this he simply replied 'I just couldn't breakfast enough'

Welsh cheerleaders.
Putting the ''go! go! go!'' into
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

I keep asking Princess Leia out on a date and she keeps saying 'No'. I seem to be looking for love in Alderaan places.

SKY NEWS: Explosion at veterinary clinic.
It's been raining cats and dogs ever since.

My wife went for a job interview to work at an old people's home.
She got the job and when she came home she wasn't really bothered.
I don't think she cares.

I asked for a battery powered clock in the shop today.
When I got it home, I noticed that the man gave me the wrong one.
It was a wind up.

My Maths teacher wrote on my report "He's one in a million but maybe his only downfall is he's too clever for his own good"
I'm one in seven billion you idiot.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

My mate certainly knows how to make an entrance.
He just put up my new front door.

My mate swallowed his phone and got it stuck in his throat,
I had to ring his neck.

In the maternity wigwam, there were 3 squaws in labour.
The one on the left was lying on a horse skin, the one in the right was lying on a buffalo skin and the one in the middle was lying on a hippo skin.
The one on the hippo skin gave birth to twins, the other two gave birth to single babies.
This goes to prove that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the two adjacent hides.

I was on this line that met a geometrical curve at a common point without actually intersecting its surface..........sorry, I went off on a tangent there.

I flew into Sydney for the comedy festival and I was held up at the airport.
They asked me the purpose of my visit and I said, "I'm here to shoot a pilot."

I'm trying to write a book.
I've already done a, b and o.
I reckon the last bit should be ok.

''Christian Bale Reveals The Secret Behind His Long Hair''
Not getting a haircut?