Went to the Salvation Army to pick up some trousers and used boxers for the homeless lad down the road.
He was thankful for the trousers but said I should keep Audley and David as they're pretty useless.

I got home yesterday only to find the letters "ynasnsee" spread out on the table, I couldn't make any sense out of them.

According to the news, India has not had a case of Polio for over a year.
According to my nose, the Indian bloke at work has not had a pack of Polos for over a decade.

I met a very nice Arab prince today.
Sheikh Myhand.

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
Afterwards as we waited for the bill she said, "That waiter was really polite and helpful. You should leave a tip for him."
So I spilled my coffee on the tablecloth and threw a few biscuits around.

As I sat and stared up at the inky blackness that was the night sky
and wondered at the infinite tiny points of light that twinkled like the most beautiful kaleidoscope diamonds, I thought to myself......
I really must fix the roof on this toilet

How do you greet a mouthy Indian Resturant Owner?
Alo Gobi.

I've just bought myself a new cleaning solution.
It's really flash.

As me and my date walked through my front door I said, "I hope you're ready for a magical night.."
"'Cos you're sleeping on my carpet."

I've started seeing a girl on the internet.
She's virtually my girlfriend.

There are two types of people in this world:
1. Those who can interpolate from incomplete data.

The wife said to me , I want you to treat me like the bird of your dreams.
Just seeing her in the oven for six hours will do me

My dad beat my granny to death, she died halfway through his funeral.

I've just been to California and I cried when I discovered nearly all of it was below sea level.
I was in a state of depression.

My mate Dave is ambidextrous
well, that's not completely right

I had a pen-friend once.
But the ink ran out.

My best friends dad invented the Zorb. He's rolling in it now......

My wife has left me because of my obsession with card games.
I can't deal with it.

I used to be a famous Sultans chef.
Could never please him though, had a thing about the presentation of his vegetables.
I just couldnt figure out what to serve his Saladin.

I'd turn for a Sat-Nav..

I came across an open tomb in a graveyard earlier.
That's necrophilia for you.

I was going for a stroll in the jungle and noticed a moody cannibal eating a human hand.
Curious as I was, I asked: "can I have a bite?"
He gave me the finger.

"D'you want another beer?"
"Just a wee one."
"Fosters, then?"

I had a house destroyed by a tree yesterday.......
Now its a flat

I was in the pub last night and saw this man throwing darts but everytime they wouldn't sink into the board.
I thought to myself - thats pointless!