The heiress to the Johnson and Johnson empire has been found dead in her LA home.
The family have asked for no more tears.

What's Coleen Rooney and Man Utd got in common?
They both wish Wayne was Fit...

I just saw two bits of sellotape stuck to a lamppost.
Must have been a missing poster.

See. Smell. Taste. Feel.
I think I can adhere to that.

I've decided to take up netball.
I was a professional basketball player, but I couldn't stand all the travelling.

My wife is always ordering me around.
In fact, I don't think I've bought her ONE drink since we've been together.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine' because I'm terrible at tennis.

I renewed my drivers license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

Everytime I finish a Mars Bar and throw away the packet, I smile ironically and wish it was that easy to destroy a black rapper.

When are lawyers guaranteed to lose a case?
At Heathrow.

I find it difficult to count in Roman numerals until the number 159.
Then it just CLIX.

How do you make teenage boys more interested in history?
Teach them how to delete it.

Me and my son were on the tube earlier today when eventually I just sighed and said, "We're never gonna get this last bit of toothpaste out."

I got into a fight last night and the guy pulled a razor out.
He would have used it too, if he'd found somewhere to plug it in.

Just seen a sign outside B&Q: "Stainless Steel Sinks".
Bit obvious, I thought.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

I keep having reocurring nightmares where I'm surrounded by loads of nude pregnant women.
Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

Apprehended :
The new App that reminds you your hen is dead.

'My post box' has got nine letters in it.

BREAKING NEWS: repair man wanted.

Clairvoyants meeting cancelled due to unforeseen events.

Ok so we lost, let's not make Emile out of it.

What does God call his nose?
God knows.

Treadmills get you nowhere.

I'm planning on becoming a shepherd.
It's easy, I herd.