I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
"Just make sure it's nice." she said.
Biscuits it is then.

What do the donkeys on Blackpool beach get for lunch?
Half an hour like everybody else.

I was busy doing Rock Climbing this morning when I thought hang on...

Campanology...That rings a bell.

I used to be good at Maths. That was until they decided to add the alphabet to it.

My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.
These days, she's more of a large.

Walked into a nightclub the other night wearing my ref's kit, pushed my way through the crowd, placed a football in the middle of the dance floor & blew my whistle.
It kicked off.

In school, my teacher asked me if I had any of my own maths equipment.
I said "I have a broken abacus".
She said "That doesn't count".

I went to the Q Awards last night.
It took me three hours to get in.

I was stood in the train station this morning when a girl slipped onto the lines and got her foot stuck. "Help!" She screamed. "I don't want to die this way!"
So I ran over and slit her throat.

My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine.
I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

I joined a chocolate lovers forum the other day.
I was asked if I liked a combination of chocolate, caramel, nougat and hazelnut.
I said I used to but I no longer did.
Then I was banned from the forum for going off topic.

"What's done cannot be undone."
They obviously didn't have shoelaces in Shakespeare's day.

HERBS FOR SALE: Please, no thyme wasters.

Today, for my Dad's birthday, I got up early and crept downstairs to the kitchen silently so I'd be able to surprise him with a full English breakfast in bed.
But then my brother had to go and spill the beans...

It seems ridiculous that Cook wasn't initially picked by the World Taekwondo Federation. I mean, WTF.

"Worker dies in Forth Bridge fall"
I'm just amazed he survived the first three.

I could hear the wife moaning about a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.
I soon fixed that.
I turned the telly up.

I have found out the meaning of life.
It's a noun and the description is on page 327 of the Oxford English Dictionary.

I was on holiday with the lads last week and wanted to get a picture of us all together. The only person around was a black man, so I handed him the camera and asked him to take it.
So he did.

I said to my wife, "We need some sort of fence to protect our beloved goat"
She said, "Wire fence?"
I said "For protection..."

I was in Asda the other day looking for some fancy dress for a Harry Potter party.
I found this great broomstick and asked the cashier how much it was.
"Those broomsticks?" he replied "They're a Quidditch!"

I wasn't always into peer pressure......
My friends got me into it.

I went to the doctors with a red, itchy patch on my arm. I was told the arm had to be amputated.
Bit of a rash decision, if you ask me.