TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

My girlfriend thought it would be romantic to have tattoos of each other's names.
So she got a tattoo with my name and I changed her name by deed poll to Newcastle United.

BBC News:Marvel Comics introduces mixed-race Spider-Man.
I wonder if his mother was a black widow?

My wife's really into threesomes.
Shame it's starters, mains and desserts.

2B or not 2B?
I dont think I've ever put this much thought into which shade of pencil to use before.

The time will never be wrong.
Not on my watch.

My boss says I tire too easily.
Which is why I'm Kwik-Fit fitter of the month for January.

I just saw a bird playing chess in the park.
Toucan play at that game.

This makes no sense - yesterday my calculator was working fine, today it isn't working at all.
It just doesn't add up.

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

When it came down to a war of words, T-Rex was no match for Thesaurus

Having fake teeth.
That'll denture confidence

Premier Inn,
Everything is premier, except the Inn.

I was arrested yesterday for driving my car into the local branch of Staples.
Seems I took a wrong turning just before the A4.

I cooked pancakes this morning...
It didn't go down too well with the kids, he was their favourite rabbit.

I just bought my 6 month old son one of those baby bouncers.
10 an hour but he keeps the kid safe

Ho Ho Ho!
But enough about the Kardashians, Merry Christmas!

I have invited a girl from work round to my house tonight for a fireworks party.
I'm hoping to explode in her face.

I was attacked by a tobacconist.
I've still got the cigars to prove it.

I gave my wife a gobstopper for Christmas.
It hasn't.

Not using the doorbell has a significant knock on effect.

A man came up to me and said, "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry."
I said, "That is very annoying."
He said, "Well I can only apologise."

I was bored last night, so I tied some helium balloons to my whiskey collection.
It certainly raised my spirits.

I'm thinking about buying a greyhound, don't know what the wife is going to say so I'll run it by her first.

My wife and I are house hunting at the moment, our estate agent called yesterday and told us he had a great semi he wanted to show us. Whilst I have to admit we were pleasantly surprised, I really don't think its worth a phone call unless its fully erect.