I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar.
Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't.

David Cameron is a two-faced liar, just like all the other politicians.
He spends the whole election campaign vowing to be tough on immigration, yet the minute he becomes prime minister, he employs a foreign secretary.

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found dead in the hotel bathroom of a retired French footballer.
Police have confimed its murder on Zidane's floor.

I had a can of Pepsi today, it said, "You could win a Nokia 5800 every 10 minutes."
What would I do with all those phones?

I've just got my first job interview in two years!
Until then I'm going to have to sign on.

I went to a sad film at the cinema last night, and the man behind me starting wailing.
I got hit in the head with a harpoon.

Doctor: I've got the results of your test; you have gonorrhoea, chlamydia and onomatopoeia.
Me: What's onomatopoeia?
Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like.

I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny.
I then saved it as 'Whats Up.doc'

I asked my mate the other day, "Where's your mum from?"
He replied, "Alaska."
I said, "Don't worry, I'll ask her myself."

I'm a philosopher.
I think.

I walked into a dentist in Scotland.
I said to the receptionist, "Hi there, I was wondering if you could help me with this pain in my tooth."
She said, "Aye."
I said, "No, tooth."

Hearing aid for sale.
Give me a shout if you're interested.

I threw out my hoover last week. It was just gathering dust.

What do you call an alligator wearing a tanktop?
An investigator.

I've been up all night answering questions about resistors.
My Physics teacher always sets too much Ohm work.

In my spare time I like to dress up as a knight, and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.
I call myself Medieval Knievel.

Daily Mail:
"Heart stopping moment a great white shark attacked a fishing boat full of friends"
Well, I doubt they're his friends now.

There are free things in life i'll never understand
Spelling and counting

What berries do fat people enjoy the most?
Cadburys.

I just bought a new underscore key for my laptop.
I got it for next to nothing.

I felt sick today.
I'm not sure whose it was but it had carrots in it.

My jokes have got a lot in common with Chile miners.
They all seem to get buried.

I distorted a Tortoise earlier.
Now it's just an Oise.

Ever since I took the rear view mirror out of the car..Ive never looked back

I hate that awkward moment in the restaurant when you realise you don't know how much to tip.
The wife tells you you're tipping way too much, but you ignore her and then... you fall backwards off your chair into the fish tank.