In my first week at school, during P.E., we were all asked to take part in a "bleep test".
I managed fourteen c*nts and seven wa*kers before the headmaster finally caught me.

A woman aged 100 years was beaten to death with a cricket bat.
A spokesman said, "She had a good innings".

What do you call dyslexic owls?
Slow.

I don't like Peri Peri chicken, but my Nandos

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

How do Geordies listen to music?
On a Why iPod

I've got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band, and ting.

My mate received an email yesterday asking him to send trouser zips to the address provided.
I told him to ignore it, it sounds like they are fly phishing.

Masturbation: The leading cause of tissue damage.

A soon as my daughter came home today I called her into the front room.
"Jane, you know the extra special present I got you for Christmas last year," I said, "Well, if you come and look in the garden, I think you'll find that I've managed to top it".
Squealing peals of excitement she sprinted to the back door and ran outside with a huge grin on her face.
I don't know why she looked so surprised though, when she saw her pony lying motionless on the lawn, blood pouring from the single bullet wound to its head.

It's a strange world we live in...
...a world where the film 'Grease' makes more money than the country 'Greece'.

I've just invented a machine that can immediately tell you what condition a painting is in.
It's state-of-the-art technology.

Some people have a way with words,
others not have way.

Did you hear about the woman who mistook her superglue for lube?
I don't suppose you would have - her lips are sealed.

Primark's New Slogan-
Clothes make the man
Children make the clothes

My girlfriend bet me that I couldn't make a car out of vermicelli.
You should've seen her face as I drove pasta.

I caused an uproar at the zoo today.
I was filling lions with helium.

I just covered my nuts in chocolate and dunked them in my girlfriend's mouth.
Who says I don't know how to Treat a lady?

I'm on a mission to wipe out all stores from a German multi-national supermarket chain. It will take a long time but I'll do it - Lidl by Lidl.

Working as a cake waiter at a wedding, I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room.
I immediately took a fancy to her.

I told my mate that I secretly married my girlfriend yesterday without my wife knowing.
He said "Bigamy, disgusting."
I said, "No, skinny Susan, and she's gorgeous."

A Chinese guy kept making fun of my accent at work.
Well, two can pray at that game.

I hate the local debating group.
They discussed me.

I was directing a stage version of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves". Just before the show was about to start, the back-up dwarf ran over and said, "Dave has pulled out of the show. I'm sorry, it's my fault. We had a fight."
"Well I hope you're Happy now," I replied.

They call me Mr Rhetorical.
Can you guess why?