As the wife shut the front door behind her, I went into our bedroom and slipped on a pair of her knickers.
I wish she would see a doctor about her heavy discharge, I thought as I picked them up off the floor and put them in the washing basket.

Frankly, Paranormal Activity is just one film away from being a regular occurrence.

I went to a party hosted by T Mobile last night. I got really drunk and kept trying to change the tunes that the DJ was playing. Not only that, but I projectile vomited all over the dance floor and started a fight that turned into a saloon style brawl involving a number of people. Whilst that was going on I sloped off in need of the toilet, dropped my pants by the buffet and shat all over the carpet.
If they give me a bad reception I'm going to ruin theirs.

If your blow up doll's talking back to you...
Puncture.

My son asked me where the most dangerous place on earth is.
I'm stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.

Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?
He wanted to kermit suicide.

I was just informed that a good friend of mine has tried to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train.
That's the third time now. He's got a terrible track record.

Ignorant? I don't know the meaning of the word!

The wife wants me to buy something musical for our 4 year old daughter's birthday.
I'm going to give her a fiddle.

I heard vandals have broken into an origami exhibition and ruined all the exhibits.
Police are trying to work out how events unfolded.

A woman screamed, "No means no!" at me today.
I left soon after.
It was the shortest Spanish lesson I'd ever had.

I texted my girlfriend Ruth last night to let her know she was dumped ... I wanted to be ruthless

I live for my alarm clock collection, it's the only reason I get up in the morning.

"Doctor Doctor, I've got Leukaemia, can you fix it?"
"Yes we can sir"

Stereo
Stereo
Stereo
I love stereotyping

My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife. She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.
I found it staggering.

Fair Trade.
Sacrificing quality for equality.

I was taking a risk opening a butchers shop on Blackpool tower.
The steaks were high.

I work for a charity that tries to prevent animals being turned into glue.
Please, donate to the RSPVA.

So gentlemen. We have celebrated Movember with our moustaches, Manuary by doing manly things 24/7. And soon it will be time for Rapril.

A Scotsman just offered me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley's Spearmint. So I said, "I can take your knives, but I'll never take your free gum."

I felt quite smug when the iPad came out. I'd been saying for years that the iPhone would be really big one day.

I have been cheating on my wife for years and last night my girlfriend spilt the beans.
It wasn't a problem, they are only 40p a tin.

I saved loads of cash on the new iPhone yesterday.
I didn't buy one.

My mate just walked into Carphone Warehouse, held the manager at gunpoint and made her top up his mobile phone for free.
Full credit to him.