My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.
Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

I do have initiative, I just need to be told when to use it.

During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down 'to capitalise'.
That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote 'I I'.

I just chucked out my flat mate Calvin, he kept breaking the washing machine.
Washing machines live longer with Cal gone.

What do football teams and American soldiers have in common?
Neither really care about friendlies.

My girlfriend keeps telling me that making clothes based puns is really not funny.
Corset is!

My mate said there's one thing he hates about Halloween.
"Which is?" I asked.
"Yeah," he replied, "they freak me out."

I got arrested yesterday for stealing hay from a farmer.
I've been refused bale.

My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.
He knew I had the contacts.

I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.
It's not exactly the Ritz.

When my wife told me Scandinavian languages don't have the letter 'R' I immediately thought...
No way!

I've set up a taxi firm for unmarried girls who've lost babies.
I think 'Miss Carriage' should do well.

I got an answering machine today but I think it's broken.
I've asked it loads of questions and nothing's happening.

A young girl's boyfriend and her mother were sitting in uncomfortable silence, upon meeting for the first time, when the mother retorted, "Technically, my daughter belongs to me until she's 18, I own her, so I control what she does and where she goes. I might charge you rent per kiss."
To which the boyfriend replied, "Well, you're not a very good landlord. Her back doors have been smashed in."

I really love the tasteless jokes on this site even though I suffer from muscular dystrophy.
I'm sick and twisted.

After the accident, my wife was left a vegetable.
"Who left this vegetable here?" She asked.

I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said
"Lie down and cover yourself in salt".
"How will that help?" I asked.
"Don't know", he said, "But in a week's time you'll be cured".

After 2 hours of wandering around Boots , I eventually found the disposable contact lenses .
Aisle C .

I was on a rollercoaster when it got stuck mid-loop leaving us hanging upside-down 100ft in the air.
Suddenly a young girl next to me started screaming, "Get me off. I want you to get me off now".
I thought it was a strange time to ask but I went ahead and fingered her anyway.

My girlfriend ran into the front room today screaming and crying that she had found out she was pregnant and needed my help to have an abortion quick.
I said "Whoa, whoa, whoa... get a hanger yourself."

Susan Boyle changes her name to Subo and becomes the best selling artist in the world. I try to do a similar thing with my name and I get death threats from all four corners of the globe.
Looks like I'm destined to always be known as boring old Patrick King.

My daughter is eighteen years old but is a very late developer.
She's had three warnings from her supervisor at Jessops this month alone.

All this talk of the iPhone autocorrect "is rubbish" nonsense is making me feel I'll.

I saw a woman crying as I was walking home from the pub last night.
I said, "What's the matter?"
"Gavin's gone" she replied.
I said, "Sorry but I can't really help you, I don't suffer with heartburn".

Two-thirds of The Human Centipede is tongue-in-cheek.