I was fired from my job selling amplifiers.
I just didn't achieve the sufficient volume of sales.

What do you call jewellery that keeps going missing?
Disapp-earrings

I was doing some DIY earlier when my daughter told me she was bored.
So i nailed her to the shelf.

Michael Owen is a clinical finisher.
He always ends up in hospital.

A local theatre recently put me in charge of casting.
I was soon fired however when the director was taken into hospital with a fishhook through his cheek.

I saw a wasp acting like an Apis mellifera, and thought to myself "it can't bee."

I'm never drinking with average Joe again.
He's a mean drunk.

I'm in prison for tiring my wife out.
Or running her over, as they call it.

A fisherman told me I could keep everything he'd landed that day.
I thought to myself; "whats the catch?"

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'

Breaking news !
Man held after glue theft.

Broken yacht, not for resale.

I'm making a film about fuels for different vehicles...
Starring Van Diesel.

Put a man in a room of females and it's a man among women. Add a downy and it becomes a man, a mong, women.

I asked my dyslexic wife, "Why have you got chocolate all over your chest?"
She replied, "I'm wearing my Mars bra".

Ed Gein was quite partial to skinny jeans.

I walked through my front door today. I guess that means i'm a ghost then.

I was playing poker with my mum and a couple of her friends, when they all get a hot flush.
It's the last time I play cards at the menopause support group.

I'd like to see a musical version of "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead". We could call it "Phantom of the Au Pair".

iPhone autocorrect is shut. It's about as useful a sucking bank tissue.

I met a bloke who wanted to commit suicide.
So i showed him the ropes.

There was a queue at the boxing club.
That's the punch line.

I just watched 'Blow: The Uncut Version'.
It was a lot more powerful than the original.

I like Huey better than Dewey or Louie. He's just the more colourful character.

Had a leak in my car today.
There were no bathrooms anywhere.