I'm getting so fed up with double standards for men and women.
When my wife phoned John Lewis and asked to speak to someone in nightwear they put her straight through, but when I called and asked if I could talk to someone in crotchless panties they hung up and called the police.

What is the opposite of Imagination?
I have no idea.

There's a new spray out made by a company called Seven Seas that is designed to help your joints.
Don't buy it because it doesn't work.
It just makes your Rizla wet and leaves a nasty taste in your mouth.

After hearing my son saying, "I want to be good with acoustic," I decided to buy him a guitar.
Turns out he wanted a snooker cue.

I was standing in the bus queue the other day behind a pregnant lady.
Trying to appear friendly, I asked her, "When are you due?"
It was then that I realised that she wasn't pregnant, just really fat, but luckily I managed to cover my tracks by adding, "...for another snack?"

My mum was getting annoyed because of her job sewing things.
I said, "You seamstressed."

I could really do with a crowbar. The birds in my garden look like they want somewhere to socialise.

As a pyromaniac, I must say I found Match.com to be incredibly disappointing.

Ironically, The Dog Inn pub has a really small car park.

Why should you never throw an obese Finn into a river?
Because Helsinki.

My 31st girlfriend was American and it was a bit awkward, especially in the bedroom.
But then, all my other girlfriends have been about 9st - 11st.

Drink wet cement - get stoned.

I entered my dog in a local dogfighting contest recently, but sadly, he was killed.
He did a loop the loop and fell out of his plane.

I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.
It was a grave mistake.

I used to really fancy my piano teacher when I was a kid and I was always eager to impress her.
Unfortunately I misheard her when she said it was time to master Beethoven.

I'm fed up with my brother's boxing trophies scattered all over the house.
Today I'm gonna make a stand.

What's the fastest way to get stoned?
Be a woman in Iran.

I was waiting for the number sixty nine bus this morning. Who would have thought it? Two came together.

I would take a bullet for my wife.
Put it in a gun and shoot her with it.

I've had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.
I've started seeing someone else.

I accidently left an apple outside my local GP's surgery.
He won't be able to get in.

I'd say 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.

I put the phone down, turned to the wife and said, "Well, your mother's late."
"What do you mean?" she asked. "She wasn't due around."
"I know," I replied, smiling. "That was the hospital. She's dead."

I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked.
So I clicked "Add to cart."

NEWS: Teresa Lewis executed by lethal injection in Virginia.
That's a bit harsh. I thought they would've at least put the needle in her arm.