Someone has chopped all the heads off of my daffodils...
I think it was a stalker.

A note left for a pianist from his wife
"Gone Chopin, have Liszt, Bach in a Minuet."

In the early 1940's, Europe had no videogames, Internet or TV.
Thank God we had Germany to keep us occupied

There was this group on Facebook called 'Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat'.
So I became a fan.

I just bought Nickelback's "Best Off".
It wasn't until after I turned it on that I realised that wasn't a typo.

My daughter said, "Dad, can my new boyfriend come for tea?"
I said, "That depends sweetheart, what's his name?"
"Corey" She replied.
"Corey what?" I asked.
She said, "Corey Ossity."
I said, "I suppose so, but don't let him near the cat."

Went for a job interview as a comouflage expert last week.
I didn't turn up, and i got the job!!

h
The middle of nowhere

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.
It gives me the E B G B s

My wife was in a really good mood today.
I said, "What's got into you?"
She said, "Something twice the size of yours".

Finally got head off the wife yesterday.
I knew one swing of the axe would do it.

A lady at the supermarket asked me if I've ever drunk orange juice with pulp.
I said, "No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones."

What a coincidence, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson dying on the same day.
One played with Majors and the other played with Minors.

My great uncle was so stubborn, when he died, he left a won't.

In an attempt to cut down on Americanisms, I've been replacing all my Z's with S's.
On the downside, I now go to bed and wake up feeling deflated.

My parents have gone to India with some friends.
Mumbai?
No, she's straight, but I don't think it's that kind of trip anyway.

I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day - as a human cannonball.
She went ballistic!

I told my mum I was going out for a walk.
She said, "How long will you be gone?"
I said, "Probably the whole time"

I was down the pub last night with my mates when I spotted the wife chatting up the barman. I got hold of her, took her outside and gave her a Sepp Blatter, or what`s more commonly known as a backhander.

I'm a terrible psychic - I don't know about you.

I'm considering becoming a mind reader.
What are your thoughts?

"You make a very good cuppa," she said.
"It's my special tea," I replied.

What's the difference between Sony and Kony?
Kony still has Eric's son.

I saw Mr T getting on a baby horse.
I pity the foal.

"Got any nuts?"
Barmaid replied "Yes."
I said "I could tell by the size of your hands."