I was down the pub last night with my mates when I spotted the wife chatting up the barman. I got hold of her, took her outside and gave her a Sepp Blatter, or what`s more commonly known as a backhander.

My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.
All I do is sit around and stuff.

What's black and comes in thirteens?
R Kelly.

The X Factor contestants are completely ruining Queen songs
Roger Taylor probably doesn't mind, but I think Brian May.

The toilet flushed last night.
I have no idea how my bathroom fittings keep beating me at poker.

I was on a cruise ship which had both sides labelled as starboard. Something wasn't right.

I accidentally locked my coat hanger in my car today.
Luckily for me, I had my keys.

I once went out with a girl with fiery red hair and a pale thin body.
I met her on Match.com

What do you call seafood in a cement mixer?
Hardcore Prawn

I tried to buy a town in the south of France.
The locals were Avignon of it.

My next door neighbour was really scared and worried about finding a hole in his wall at home.
I asked him what he was going to do about it and he said he's bricking it.

I've invented an anti-gravity device that allows the tip of a snooker cue to hover at any height above the table.
The rest is history.

A man dressed as an egg has tried to gain entry to tonight's Euro 2012 Final.
He was quickly whisked away by security and beaten.

Just been on holiday in the South of France..... it was Nice

I've got a date for tomorrow.
10th Jan 2010.

I've just bought a transparent megaphone.
Now everyone can hear me loud and clear.

A bulb walks into an airport without any bags wearing nothing but a shirt, sandals, and a hat.
The check in girl looks at him and says, "Travelling light?"
The bulb says "Yes, I am."

I hit a man with a baseball bat yesterday, he's got two broken arms...
Which is what gave me the courage in the first place.

At school I was perfect
I don't know why they made me one I can't even spell

Death - a once in a lifetime experience.

I am going to steal a board game from the local supermarket.
I could get caught but I want to take the Risk.

I was looking through the dictionary when I saw a nasty looking word.
When I looked closer though, I saw it said hasty.

I slept through the alarm this morning.
Good thing it was only a small fire.

I got myself a new toy - it's a laminator. Basically, it's a machine that kills baby sheep.

My boss asked me if I would make it into work with the adverse weather conditions.
I said, "There's snow stopping me."
Can't understand why he was so upset when I didn't turn up.