The kids kept finding their Christmas presents we'd hidden in our wardrobe and under our bed, and my wife said the only way to stop it would be to put them in the loft.
I can still hear them crying though.

Being on the dole definitely has its benefits.

I failed Geography at school.
I couldn't find the exam room

I was on holiday in Spain when my mate phoned me.
"How's the hotel?" he said.
"Well, I can't complain, " I replied.
"Oh, that's good then," he said.
I said, "No, it's terrible! I just don't speak the lingo."

Rising numbers are on the increase.

I can't believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.

So I'm trekking through the woods and.....
Hang on, bear with me...

Being calm is not something I rate.

I was going to make a herb garden the other day, but I just haven't got the thyme.

Don't bother entering the Repair Man of the Year award.. It's fixed..

I've decided to make money writing dieting books.
I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.

LeAnn Rimes.
No it doesn't.

I bought a new Apple Mac the other day.
It's great, every time it rains I smell like Cider.

I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.
I just drifted off.

People are always asking me if I can do a negative tortoise impression.
I'm going to stick my neck out and say no.

I was watching one of them comic relief appeals just now and I was appalled. Thousands of poor, black people with nought but rags for clothes and no job to make them any money.
Does anyone know what country this 'Birmingham' is in?

Police say "South London rapist may strike again".
I didn't realise they took industrial action!

Prison walls are never built to scale.

I never apologise. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Look... at the end of the day, it's night.

I went into the fines office today to pay a speeding ticket, the clerk said, "How would you like to pay your fine?"
"Cash and you're not too bad yourself." I replied.

The Daily Mail has described Katie Price as tight-lipped about not revealing her attacker's name.
Not the best choice of words.

My neighbour is a blacksmith.
Yes, now they are stealing British surnames too.

I got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying 'bursary'.
It was the only nursery rhyme I could think of.

In America - Fat camp: A place where overweight people go to slim down.
In England - Fat camp: Matt Lucas, Elton John.