What do my first girlfriend's virginity and a pulp have in common?
My dad beat me to both when I was a kid.

The electric gate that killed the 12 year old girl has been released by police without charge.
So now it's just a gate.

I like my woodwork teacher, he gives me wood.

I ordered an Indian takeaway last night and it came to a tenner.
As he handed me the bag, I said, "What's the name of Jordan's son?"
He said, "Harvey Price."
I said, "Thanks, here's a fiver."

My friend sent me a blank email. His message was clear.

Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things: Sequels, and reincarnation.
Basically, he thinks he'll be Bourne again.

I can't seem to get on the Lilt website. It keeps saying it's refreshing!

I went to the doctor's today.
He said, "You're dying."
I said, "How do you know?"
He said, "Your eyebrows are a different colour."

Had a microwave meal today. It said 'remove sleeve and film lid.'
I put a vest top on and got my camcorder out, but I'm still hungry.

I had to dump my blow up doll earlier
I let her down gently

Sky News - "Man Arrested On Suicide Bomb Charges"
I know nothing about this case, but i'm fairly confident it wasn't him.

I fell out of a 600 story building and lived.
It was a library.

I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive.
His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.

I recently lost my son. Toys R Us sure is a big place.
Not that I lost him there, he died last week of AIDS. I just thought the size of the store should be acknowledged.

I love brunettes but I was gutted to come home from work to find my girlfriend had dyed her hair light-blonde.
It's just not fair.

Fibonacci numbers.
It's as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

I hit a cyclist the other day.
I wasn't in my car; I just thought it'd be funny.

My mum always said, "Never use two words when one will do."
Why didn't she just say, "Avoid verbosity"?

I really think Bacary Sagna should name his son Les

What do you call an argument between an Argentinian and an Indian?
A bit of Argy Bhaji.

My two cats went missing for over a fortnight and when they returned I decided to get micro chips for them both.
The poor little things looked starving.

The woman next door was flashing me from her upstairs bedroom .
How she got her car in there I'll never know.

Protesters at the G20 were holding up huge signs saying 'Capitalism Isn't Working'.
A friend of mine turned to me and said, "Surely that's wrong. Surely 'Capitalism Is Working'."

Two wrongs don't make a right.
But three rights make a left.

My son is cold and calculating
I've turned the heating off whilst he does his maths homework.