I like modelling clothes as much as the Next man.

Botox will never make headlines.

You may not think it to look at me, but I did once take 1st place in London's Cutest Baby awards.
I would have taken 2nd as well if she didn't start screaming.

I always keep emergency flares in my car.
You never know when you're gonna be invited to a '70s disco.

I told my mates that I've secretly eaten all of my girlfriend's chocolate spread.
They'd better Nutella.

"I just climbed to the top of the world's highest mountain," I told my mate.
"Everest?" he asked.
"About every hundred feet," I said.

I downloaded a 3D version of the alphabet.
It's got 28 letters.

I had a can of beer last night and on the side it said, "best drunk before 2010".
I've just emailed them thanking them for the award, which I graciously accept.

I used to run a dating agency for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.

My son has been walking up and down the high street nicking all the shop fascias and hiding them in the shed. I should have noticed earlier really,
The signs were all there.

What idiot invented fire blankets?
You'd think fire was hot enough...

I recently bought a second keyboard, so I can indulge in some stereotyping.

Jobs in the UK are easy to come by, according to recent Poles.

A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls. The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water."
"Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard."
The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water.
"I'm afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner.
The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I'll die."
"Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner.
His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?"
"I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it's a trifle bazaar."

I was in a wrestling match and the other guy got me in a head lock and wrote his name on my forehead.
It was his signature move

I was reading the Wikipedia article on cataracts.
It was only partially cited.

Wouldn't it be funny if Ben Sherman designed tank tops?

Some kid charged at me and started attacking me with the part of his arm just under his hand
It was a terror wrist.

When I was in America I drove on the right side of the road.
The left.

People make me sick.
I guess I should stop eating them.

Seasoning fish.... there's a thyme and a plaice for that.

I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers.
They were on the edge of their seats.

The Arabian inventor of the bullet-proof vehicle died today.
R.I.P. Ahmed Carr

A friend asked me if I'd ever won anything. I replied "Me, I couldn't win an argument!"
But, in the end, he convinced me that I could.

Whenever I go out, I make sure that I take my doner card.
I get 15% off at my local kebab shop.