So Apple are holding a news conference today.
What happens if they don't hold it correctly?

My wife moans at me to say 'I did' instead of 'I done' because it's not proper grammar.
Easier said than did.

It's just taken me nearly four hours to eat a dozen watches.
It was very time consuming.

I put my clothes on the line earlier.
I think my gambling addiction has gone too far.

My mum asked, "Lee, why do you lend everyone money even though they are not your friends?"
I replied, "Because I'm loan Lee."

So I lay on my death bed the other day, with my wife Tina, and my sister Marge by my side.
When I saw them getting upset I comforted them - "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina..."

Right, let's flip a coin:
Heads I get tail,
Tails I get head.

It's pretty easy to catch someone's attention in A&E.
All you have to do is snap your fingers.

MC Hammer.
What a tool.

"What's your name?"
"Johnson."
"And your first name?"
"It's always been Johnson."

I was talking to this guy at the gym about push-ups.
"How many reps would you usually do?" he asked.
"A million," I rep lied.

This week's Yeast Club meeting is now in session.
All rise.

BBC News "Giggs Misses training for Man Utd"
She probably just wants to keep an eye on him.

My mate's going through a rough time at the moment because of personal issues and I think it's messing up his head, because he was talking to me about it all, then suddenly changed the subject.
He said: 'First my mum slips on the ice and paralyses herself, then my daughter gets diagnosed with cancer, what's next?
Although a little concerned for his welfare, I quietly explained that Next is a clothing retailer based around Britain and the Republic of Ireland.

I always fart at funerals. . .
Sorry but sometimes you just have to let one R.I.P.

I got up this morning and discovered that somebody had written "QWERTY" down the side of my car.
I think it's been keyed.

Dyslexic IT technicians wait ages for a USB.
Then three come along at once.

I have a 20 note made out of metal.
I think it's forged.

When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

I was carefully examining my tomato plants looking for caterpillar tracks.
When I got run over by a tank.

You have to hand it to people that can't reach it.

You can't have manslaughter without laughter.

I was talking to my Nan the other day when I suddenly realised that everyone else in the Indian was giving me weird looks.

I was talking dirty with my wife yesterday in bed.
She said, "Make me hot, baby."
I don't think she appreciated the team of make-up artists and plastic surgeons I called in.

When I told my wife I was a member of the Ku Klux Klan she went as white as a sheet.
She's always so supportive.