Currently stuck at an auction bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor. I'm in it for the long hall.

"Hey Noah, where do you want these bees?"
"Put them in the archive."

If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of time.

Why did Nivea Cream?
Because Max Factor.

OCD sufferers.
Their days are numbered.

I thought Davy Jones was just sleeping.
Then I saw his face... Now I'm a bereaver.

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards.
No one knows what I'm dealing with.

I've just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.

At a previous work-place there was a door that had a sign "Depress Lever to Enter". I used to walk up to it and say, "You are the worst lever in the world"

I'm in line for a job down at 'Oxford Dictionaries'.
I got my mate to put a word in for me.

Chemistry teachers make the best rapists.
They always have the element of surprise.

Police have just named the poor woman killed in Tenerife.
Edna Moore

I killed my wife in self defence.
It took me three hours to clean her blood off the dojo mat.

My best friend was a hairdresser, and he died doing what he loved.
Dying.

I recently starred in a theatre production about puns in the English Language.
It was a Play on Words...

In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim.
You'd think they would be trying to stop it.

My girlfriend's going to be really happy with me. I've told her to stay in and polish my medieval battle re-enactment uniform while I go to the pub with the lads.
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

My girlfriend was making pasta when I told her we were splitting up. I had to repeat it twice.
Then the penne dropped.

I put up a fruity joke yesterday, but it got berryed

Someone left a bottle of vodka on my doorstep today.
Not to worry, I managed to get to the bottom of it.

Want an anagram of "Rodeo incidents"? Consider it done.

BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for 'copying'
Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.

I have two brothers, well three actually but one has learning difficulties, so he can't count.

I tried to break up a fiery argument at the bottom of a moving stairway today.
It was no use as things just escalated from there.

A man walks into a bar wearing a tie fastener.
The barman says, "Sorry, we don't like your tie-pin here."