I went to Specsavers the other day, and after some tests the optician told me I was slowly going blind.
I never saw that coming.

My friends wife has finally left him due to our mutual obsession with Cliff Richard.
Congratulations.

Inquest into gary speeds death opened and adjourned
No noose is good noose

Was in a maths exam yesterday and this nerd next to me got an erection. He saw an acute angle

since I became paralysed I cant stand to shower.

I took my wife to watch Celtic play Atletico Madrid tonight, but she kept moaning about how she didn't like their striker.
Foul cow.

On this day in 1877, Thomas Edison demonstrates his phonograph for the first time.
It soon becomes a record.

I was in London today and saw a taxi full of zit ridden youths...
It was an acne carriage.

You know if you were to second guess your decision to book time to visit a Native American community,
that would be a reservation reservation reservation

A new Chinese restaurant had just opened so I thought I would try their beef in oyster sauce.
It tasted nice, but then I found a severed finger in it.
I looked at the menu again, 'made using authentic Chinese workers'.
Suddenly I wasn't as hungry.

How do you make a prisoner laugh?
Tell him an inside joke.

With the best will in the world , I will inherit 300 Billion

I'm dating this fit bird at the moment.
She may be ninety eight but she can run a marathon.

My son and daughter were arguing over who's turn it was to play with the spirograph, but it was going nowhere.
They just kept going round in circles.

German mathematicians think about sechs every 10 seconds.

I went to the opticians today.
It was a real eye opening experience.

My mate was pulling some bird for ages last night.
Until he got to the top of the hill.

French baths are the bain of my life.

Just got overtaken by a McVities lorry...
That takes the biscuit.

I have real trouble remembering the 25th letter of the alphabet.
I dont know why.

I got caught match-fixing last night.
It was either that or run them under the tap and use a lighter.

To save on postage by making your parcel lighter, send it through lamp post.

Oxymoron: A spot cream for Big Brother contestants.

My favourite pick-up line is "Hey baby, I've got a truck."

Last night I saw some band do their performance on ice without falling once.
Think they're called Slipnot or something.