Saw - The Uncut Version
So, completely pointless then?

My clotheshorse broke this morning.
It was the end of an airer.

Owning my own butchers shop, my claim to fame is that I serve the biggest, fattest black pudding in town.
It's Lenny Henry - he comes in every morning for sausages.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my false optimism.
Oh well, she'll be back tomorrow.

I like to keep my jokes Original.
Werther's you like it or not.

I've noticed observational jokes are particularly popular.

"I'll turn UK around," says David Cameron.
I'll do it right now...
KU.

I was walking down the street the other day, and someone threw cheese in my face!
I thought "Very Mature!"

A mute incontinent. Goes without saying.

I've made loads of money selling my version of Polo that don't have a hole in the middle.
I've made an absolute mint.

"Come on kids, we're going to play on the slides!" - The inventor of PowerPoint, shortly before his children stopped loving him

Finally, after all these years, I've got myself a sportscar.
I split my eye open playing rugby.

"Did you hear about the American Surgeon who specialises in key hole surgery?"
"He trained at Yale"

Numbers never have been my thirte.

I managed to get a lie in this morning.
I got up really early and told my wife that I loved her.

My parents disowned me after I got a tattoo of a barcode put on my forehead on a night out.
I hope I can redeem myself

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Approverypriate
Sorry - that was very inappropriate.

"Whatever you do, don't lose your cool. I lost my cool once, and it killed my career." - LL J

I love my next door neighbour's house.
It's right up my street.

My daughter asked me to make her a ballerina's skirt.
I didn't have a clue where to start but then I put tu and tu together.

I'm going to invent a saying about yoghurts.
Well, more of a fromage phrase.

What do Mexicans do when they are cold?
They use chicken fajitas.

I used to love doing pelvic floor exercises when I was working out.
Which is why I lost my job as a maths teacher.

The life of a snail is taken with a pinch of salt.