I suppose I got what I deserved for punching my mates lights out.
Electrocuted.

Isn't a white baby on the black market a bit of a grey area?

My driving instructor said, "Take the first exit at the roundabout."
So I opened the door and jumped out.

Sometimes it's the smallest things that take up the most room in your heart.
Like blood clots.

My local corner shop claims to be offering a free abacus with every purchase, but I wouldn't count on it.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

I banged my head on a low bridge.
I would have been okay if viaduct.

My little brother is currently fighting near in northern Afghanistan. The aim being to take control of the Mullah Headquarters.
Seems like an awful lot of effort for a yoghurt factory, if you ask me.

Local News: Man's body found by tree...
... and is now promoted to Chief Detective Tree.

I like using Latin phrases when speaking in English and vice versa.

After my divorce, I realised that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

There was an earthquake near the Galaxy chocolate factory this morning.
It sent ripples through the whole building.

I remember when my ex-girlfriends were all over me.
Now they're all over me.

Duke, a rancher in Texas, was left 33 bulls when his Pa died. Soon after he bought 33 cows from a neighbour and put them in a field with the bulls. A little while later they each of them produced a calf. By his calculations he thought that he now had 99 head of cattle.
However he discovered that he had a hundred....when he rounded them up...

I saw a fat bird trying to get into Burger King today.
But pigeons can't open doors.

I smoked a joint earlier.
All I need to do now is cure it and I'll have the best Christmas ham you've ever seen.

I was on the plane coming home when the stewardess came over to me and said, "Would you care for an orange juice?"
"Sure," I replied "if it really needed me."

Corduroy pillows. They're making headlines.

I signed up to a training program that promised to turn me into a soldier in one week.
Ended up with egg on my face.

The first white lie?
"No, of course we won't treat you like slaves."

Apparently Whitney had a lesbian fling with another musical diva...
Did Tina turn her?

Not many people know that the flag they wave at the end of a grand prix is actually the flag of a real country.
It's Finnish

In America, "Casino Royale" was released as "Casino Quarter Pounder with Cheese".

I saw the missus was on Top of The Pops the other night.
I knew she was a slag, but I expected more of the old man.

I've just seen the headline: "What makes F1 drivers special?"
I'd say "accidents".