When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course"

I wouldn't touch the imperial measuring system with a 3.048m pole.

I've just got a make-shift job at the computer keyboard factory.

A crab walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint please, but if I'm not satisfied with it, I'd like to be compensated with ten bottles of champagne."
The barman says, "Why the big clause?"

What have Alex Reid and Peter Andre both got in common?
Sorry, let me rephrase that.
Alex Reid and Peter Andre have both got into something common.

I once saw Guns N'Roses in Tesco.
I thought, "That's weird, selling them down the same aisle."

I've decided to give up Tea for Len.

I always impress birds by telling them I once had a flat on Park Lane.
I tend to leave out the 'on my mountain bike' bit.

What do you call a woman that wants to be Rich?
Pre-Op.

My computer lets me save up to a dozen videos of musical concerts.
It has a 12 gig memory

As a paranoid schizophrenic, I take the lift alone to my top floor apartment...
I can't handle the stares.

Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

I don't mind sharing my cup of tea with a few people but it's not everyone's cup of tea.

All day I've been pretending I'm different types of wood.
I'm board now.

"WE CHARGE AT DAWN!"
"Why not now?"
"Solar-powered charger."

I took a degree in ballet.
I got a 2:2

I was walking down the street when a guy started mugging me:
"Give me any legally recognised organisations that you have that supply good or services to consumers, NOW!"
I thought, "He means Business".

My wife accused me of having 'uncontrollable OCD.'
I put her in her place.

Need help with your short-sightedness? Look no further.

I've been writing songs, each one about different baked goods.
I'm on a roll at the moment

Archaeologists have just discovered an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate.
Apparently it was Pharoah Rocher.

My mate just showed me his new wind turbine.
I was blown away.

I was walking home last night, when I noticed a poor American girl blubbering outside a bar. She wasn't crying, she just had her belly out.

I was at the bus stop and saw a poster of Voldemort with 'HP 7' printed on it.
Kind of spoils the ending when you know he's low on hit points.

I complained to DFS after a sofa I ordered was dumped in the stairwell of my apartment block.
They said I need to take it up with the delivery man.